I am so blessed, and I feel like I've found my way

I can't believe I haven't updated since April, and part of me wishes I had because then I'd have somewhere to look at and remember all of the amazing blessings from this summer, but alas, I didn't and I'll have to think there's purpose in that.

Looking back on where I was in April, I see a complete transformation in who I am. God has been doing a really mighty number in my life, and it's been amazing to live. He's blessed me in so many ways, and I could try and list them all and never quite get close to even a shadow of the multitude of them. It makes my heart just want to sing praises and thank yous to God.

One of the biggest blessings of this summer was the relationships I developed, and the healing I received. Particularly, in Betsy and Daniel and their family. I feel God totally ordained this summer with them, and my relationships with them. We all prayed about it and felt God was calling us to have a more regular relationship, and it's been incredible to witness what he's done each week. I feel strongly that God has healed many places in my heart by giving me the family I've found in them, and it's been so amazing to see. I can't quite put it into words, but my heart overflows with them. One of the greatest things has been the relationship I've developed with their children, who have blessed me consistently throughout my time with them. I've found a family and a place to feel safe and at home, and I've not found that anywhere else. It's really amazing to me that in all of my anger and bitterness and sadness over not having the family I wanted growing up, God has taken those voids and filled them through that family. And it's healed me, and my relationships with my family members in amazing ways. :)

This summer has been a whole lot of branching out, and a whole lot of being in relationship with new people... A lot of seasons. I went on an amazing retreat and received a lot of healing in that--mostly in the idea that Jesus sees me as his bride. That he waits in expectation for me. That my name is no longer desolate or deserted, but married, and "my delight is in her". What a lesson from the King of the universe. Love, love, love.

There have been a lot of one-shot opportunities for healing. With camp, conversations, retreats, and just studying God's word and listening to His voice. I think one of the biggest things that happened was a revelation of a dream I'd had as a child, and the interpretation of it as an adult that really highlighted the root of a lot of issues. It's put me in a few classes for the fall/year that I think God is definitely in. I can feel him breaking apart and chipping away at my heart to bring me closer to who He wants me to be.

I've been feeling a bit of a lull in my personal relationship with Jesus recently (I know, it's not God that moves, it's me that moves), but writing down this blog and remembering the immense blessings and healing of this summer is lighting a new fire and desire for Christ inside of me, and I love it. To live is Christ and to die is gain! For sure!!

So now, going into the fall, I suppose I'm looking at my heart and who I am and how I'm made up, and wondering what else God could possibly do for me :) I know he has huge plans for my life (he taught me that too, thanks Grandpa!) and I'm so excited to feel him moving inside of me and through me. I can't wait to write my next blog in four months and talk about the immense blessings of the fall.

I feel like a completely different person. Suddenly, it's so clear to me how truth it is that God works all things for the good of those who love him. I have a faith I didn't before, and a passion and love for God I didn't before. He truly is a God who keeps his word!! God is not man that he should lie, nor son of man that he should change his mind! Does he promise and not fulfill? Does he speak and not act? GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say. 'Blessed by the name of the Lord! Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be his glorious name.' "

I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!

These past two weeks have been incredible in every way. I've been to ultra-lows and ultra-highs in ways that I never expected to, and I honestly feel like I've found God in the process so much more. My last post was about my 7 New Years Resolutions', and I'm amazed to find I've actually started or completed nearly all of them, but the biggest one is #7. Finding God in sunsets and sushi. This is so incredibly difficult for me, which is strange because it's probably the one most readily available.

Two weeks ago, I started feeling incredibly depressed, and I couldn't figure out why. I've been reading Captivating and doing a bible study called Breaking Free--both of which are about being who God wants you to be, and breaking free from the wounds that have held you captive since childhood. Powerful stuff. Unfortunately, I have many wounds that have held me captive since my childhood, and trying to break them has been extremely difficult and extremely painful. Two weeks ago was a turning point in the bible and book study, as it was a time when I literally sat down and decided I was going to try and break free. And incredibly enough, God took control. God made the parts of my life that He didn't want me engaged in to become a source of stress and discomfort, a source of pain and sadness. And then, He nudged me to leave them. And when I did, I was left heartbroken.

The thing about putting your faith in God is He never leaves you or forsakes you. He is always there. That's why He is God. But when you try and make something else your god, something else that will leave you, forsake you, and ultimately break you, you crawl farther away from the Divine, and in the process, you crawl farther and farther away from WHO God is, and WHAT his promises say. And I had been crawling farther and farther away for the past year, to the point where when that thing was gone, that captivating part of my life, I didn't know who I was, what to do, or where to turn. All I knew was emptiness.

And perhaps I would have gone back to that sin that so easily entangles had I not gone on the retreat I went to. I was vulnerable there. I told people I was sad. I prayed. I earnestly sought after God. I ran after Him. I prayed. When I worshipped, I saw myself being nailed to a cross. I heard God saying to me, "this is the weight of your sins." And I felt it. And I saw God rip me off the cross, and stick Jesus there. And I watched as I nailed him there, as he died for my sins. And grief overcame me. Then the same night, I sat in the shower and cried for an hour over my sins. I confessed them to Jesus, and I cried with Him. I cried over how I had abandoned Him, how I had left Him, and the darkness in my heart.

And it went away for a little bit, but it didn't go away. I heard God telling me that I had to meet with new people. So I met with Denise. We talked about relaxing in God. About asking God, "what do you want me to do today?" And she mentioned a Psalms that says "be still and know that I am God." And it rolled off my back.

The next day, I hit a bottom of a depression. God told me to be vulnerable, to talk about it. And so I did. I called up my best friend, and he helped me through it. We laughed. We laughed hard. And I went to bed, reading the bible, soaking up the Word, trying desperately to understand what was going on in my life. And in Captivating, I read about how God romances me. And I decided to start looking for that.

Wednesday, I had an afternoon off. I spent my morning with Eva and Ben, sad, but looking at them in amazement of all God can do with and through the lives of children. That afternoon, I had the best birthday afternoon of my life. My best friend and I rode around town, taking random pictures and reminiscing on earlier parts of our friendship. It was incredible. God gave us so many gifts, so many romances. That night, I went out to dinner with my Mom and brother, and then afterwards, I went to bible study. And that's where I really felt God.

During the bible study, I started journaling. In Chapter Sunday night, are chaplain had told us one bible verse. It was Luke 1:37: "Nothing is impossible with God." I asked God what it meant. One of the girls in the group mentioned that she felt God was saying "rest and assurance" to her. I wrote that down, completely independent. Then under it, I wrote "be still and know that I am God." And at that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. Throughout the night, I asked a question to my journal, and God answered it through others words. I never once spoke aloud, I just listened. Until finally, God spoke "His Love Endures Forever." And then He stopped speaking.

I talked with Betsy and Daniel after the bible study, tearfully as we examined the places in my life where I was holding on, where I was controlling. Examining why I felt so invalidated. I explained that I felt as if nobody believed me or the struggles I'd been on. We wrestled with that. We wrestled with my faith, and why it was so hard for me to believe. As we were talking, I heard God tell me to tell Betsy that I struggled with believing God's love could last forever. We didn't talk about that very long, but I put it out there.

The next day, I saw romances from God again. I wrote down the things I had heard from God. I talked to Laura about how I felt God was crying with me and for me. And then I started writing a letter. I wrote about how I felt, how I felt completely alone with Kade, because he didn't remember what had happened to us as kids, and it took away what he and I had, because it was OUR bond, something only we went through. and then God grabbed my pen and wrote that He was there too. And for the next thirty minutes, I wrote, then God wrote, then I wrote, then God wrote. He answered all of my heart's questions, instilled a sense of peace inside of me. And said one thing that shook me to my core, the thread that made the tangled mess inside of me all come together.

"You have the capacity to love forever, because you were made in my image." God loves me. I love Him. and that love can and will continue forever. God spoke that so clearly to me. And how does he know? He MADE me. He gave me the capacity to love forever because he MADE me. He knows me and my desires and my heart better than anyone else. God will not divorce me. God is home. There is no brokenness where God is. God mends broken hearts. God redeems broken childhoods. God heals. God binds up the brokenhearted. He frees the captive. God is huge. God is amazing. God is incredible. And the God of the universe is romancing me in unbelievable ways. All I have to do is smile, take in His love letters and offer my praises back to Him. When I asked him in utter ecstasy how I could keep from singing his praise, he replied, "you can't. even the rocks cry out!" Even the rocks cry out.

"You are beautiful regardless, but you are far more beautiful in my presence."

New Years Resolutions... that I may or may not keep.

Everyone always does New Years Resolutions, it seems. And then it makes me laugh because everyone always asks everyone else what they're doing. And I don't know, maybe I'm alone in this feeling, but I'm kind of like, if it's a resolution, it probably means I feel pretty bad about where my life is right now with this particular aspect... so why would I tell you that I'm dissatisfied with myself the way I am. The whole purpose of a resolution is to change who you are because you don't like what you've become. And what is with the automatic idea of everyone that we're all going to fail. It's incredibly disheartening. Maybe someone, somewhere, should give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe 2009 is the year people will keep their New Years Resolutions... And because I'm one of those people that needs to always be able to write down what I'm feeling and where my resolutions are, here they are, in all their glory.

1. Learn how to actually love people. Not cookie-cutter love, but real, genuine, selfless love. Or at least start trying to learn.

2. Lose two pounds every month.

3. Learn to trust God with the small things. Stop worrying about how I'm going to make ends meet.

4. Break the text messaging addiction.

5. Read twelve books that aren't textbooks.

6. Get over him. Or at least stop banking on him.

7. Find God in sunsets and sushi.

Life gave me lemonade and I can't imagine why

I feel like all I ever talk about or write about these days are my little pieces of heaven on earth, but that's okay. I don't feel like I need any new inspiration or anything. Eva & Bear came to the Christmas Unwrapped production at the church on Friday night, and they were just too adorable. I watched Ben during a lot of it, and he was just so happy and big and just sitting in Mtr. Travis' lap so well. I was proud of him. :) And he seemed to really be enjoying himself. I caught him bobbing his head to the music some, and I caught him giggling some. I was excited to see him there. It's funny how much he pays attention now... It seems like he always has, but I was just remembering him a few months ago and how he wouldn't hold a stare, and now he can sit there and watch a production for an hour. Awesome. And Diva-Kay was just so cute. Sitting there and the whole place is silent until all of a sudden you hear "KAWIS! HOWD YOU KAWIS!!!" It can just warm your heart and soul :) She makes me so happy. Her little giggles. :) Those are what dreams are made of!

Betsy & Daniel brought Sarah Jane to church today. My, she's a teeny one! I remember when I first met Ben when he was just a few weeks old! I thought he was the littlest thing ever! And when Steph handed him to me, I could hold onto him with one hand (but I didn't dare!) but Sarah Jane is so much littler! Ben was definitely bigger, and he was the same age when I first met him as Sarah Jane is now. It's crazy. She's only six pounds, and I swear! I sat there and watched her and watched her. She's just too cute. I love little babies.

It's crazy to think about, but it's been a year since I first met Eva. Crazy. I remember when I did meet her, that same night I called my mom and I was just so excited. Since I started babysitting six years ago, I've always heard people say that you just find your family... that there's some sort of strange bond that happens between a babysitter and a family and you just walk away knowing that's where you're supposed to be... And I had forgotten until my Mom reminded me how much I felt that the first night I went over and met Eva & Steph (so weird, no bear?) and I think that's one of the coolest things. Having that bond with the kids and with Steph. It's just been such a blessing to my life, and I'm so thankful that I've gotten the chance to know them. When I babysat DW, his mom used to always ask me "isn't this great birth control?" I feel so lucky to have found kids that are horrible birth control.

the only thing that stays the same is how much we change

Sometimes I sit with kids (other than Eva & Ben), and I wonder what I'm doing there. I know that sounds awful, but sometimes, life just seems to make no sense. I catch myself wondering sometimes what impact I'm having on the child sitting next to me (if at all), and then I wonder if every moment has to be something you fully expect to impact a child in, or if you can just let some slide and just trust that there'll come another one. I don't know. I've been having these thoughts with Jackson a lot lately. Mostly because I'm frustrated with the situation. Not with him, but with the situation. And then last night something happened that reminded me why I do what I do, and why I love that child, even when frustrations get the best of me.

I was complaining to my mother last Wednesday afternoon about the situation with Jackson. There were a lot of little gripes, but mostly, it all boiled down to the fact that I felt distant with him. Almost like there wasn't a connection there... I chalked it up somewhat to being biased about connections (wondering if I just thought there was no connection because my connection with e&b was so sharp), but the more I sat and marinated with it, the more I realized that it was because he didn't want to, or couldn't have that connection. I'm not sure how to describe it. The kid has had an extremely difficult life. I know that. It's obvious to me when I walk into their house that there is something missing. Jackson has grown up being shuffled from place to place, with no mother around for the most part (and now, no mother around at all), and has never had any stability in his life. Wherever he is, he's gone the next day. The people who are around one day are gone another. He never knows what to expect, and his life is out of control to him. It took me a while to piece all this together. It took a lot of, "Jackson, say my name"s, and a lot of following him to force him to talk, and a lot of wondering what in the world was going on in his head. He spent a month hardly talking to me, and sometimes, it was just unbearable. I wanted to give him time, but I didn't know how to do it or what he needed.

I had Jackson Friday and Saturday of this past weekend. Friday night, I let him have his friend, William spend the night. They were supposed to go to bed at nine, but I let them stay up until 9:30. And I didn't force them to go to sleep, I said they could stay up talking if they wanted. I'm pretty sure they didn't actually fall asleep until 11:30. Then the next morning we got up, and I got Jackson his breakfast, and William went home, and Jackson and I made a deal that if he did his sight words during the week, he wouldn't have to do them on the weekend. And then I left. Sounds like nothing.

But yesterday, out of nowhere, things changed. He came running in the door at eight after his gymnastics, calling my name through the house. A kid that four days ago would pretend he didn't remember it. He crawled on my bed and started tickling me. A kid that four days ago wouldn't even let me in his room or let me brush his hair. And then we tickled for a little bit, and he took his bath, and that night, I went to go read his story. And we climbed on the bed together, and I started reading, and he laid his head on my chest, and started pointing out all the sight words, and giggling, and being a kid. And it was so different from the Jackson I knew for the past month. It was this new person who was outgoing, and laughing, and loving. And it was one of the most rewarding days I've had. Seeing a child change and grow is just so, so cool.

Speaking of changing and growing, how the heck did Eva reach TWO? Eva?! NOT MY EVA! Where did all the time go!? Where is the little girl that used to lay down on my chest and watch Greys with me and try and sneak morning naps? She's turned into a walking, talking, diaper throwing, Bear kissing bunch of giggles and happiness. I hadn't realized how much she's changed until I ran into my friend Amy today at Starbucks. We were talking, and I mentioned that Eva's birthday party had been this past weekend and that she'd turned two, and Amy looked at me flabbergasted. And I realized how much Eva has changed and how different she is now! When I first started watching her, the baby couldn't talk. She couldn't walk (though that came really, really quickly), and now she's walking, talking, ELMOing.... being an amazing little person. And I've noticed her change emotionally too. I feel like she's a lot happier now, more excited about life. More adventuresome, for sure. And sometimes, more affectionate. Especially with Bear.... and Bear, that's just another story! I can't believe the little baby that was screaming bloody murder those first few weeks is now happy and healthy and a beautiful, wonderful six month old. He's kicking and smiling and loving bath time. Doing so well with tummy time, and bouncy time. He recognizes me when I come in, he loves his big sister.... It's just amazing how much these kids have changed, and it makes it feel so worthwhile and meaningful, being with them. :)

And all of you is more than enough for all of me.

Since I've started watching Jackson, I've started thinking a lot more about life and death and how precious our moments here are. I look at a little boy like Jackson, who at five years old lost his mother to a kidney infection that just happened to be the top of the iceberg of illnesses, and I find my mind reeling about the effects being motherless is going to have on his life, and how some things are just irreplaceable. Lately a feeling of nostalgia has overwhelmed me. I've been flooded with memories of my parents and I and my childhood, and while some of it has been awful to relive, lots more of it has been very good. And I realized that even though I was by no means 'well-off' and by no means had an easy childhood, I was blessed to have parents that love me an intense amount, even if sometimes I don't believe they do or fail to see it.  Since I've moved out, and since I've seen Jackson's life without a mother, I've come to realize how valuable having one around is. My mother has truly shaped so much of who I am and in so many ways, it's hard for me to fathom what my life would have been without her, or who I would have turned into without her. I only hope that someone can come along that can be a mother to Jackson and teach him all the wonderful things my mom taught me.

Working with kids is a funny thing. It has so much joy, so much disappointment, so much excitement and energy, and so much exhaustion. It's an incredibly fulfilling mixture of emotions that range across the entire spectrum. I can't even begin to describe the joy I feel when I see Eva for the first time one morning and she smiles and says my name over and over and over again. Or how every time I touch Ben's head on my way in the door he gives me a big huge bear grin. Or how Isabella stops on her way back from communion and just smiles and waves at me. Or how Kara will come and crawl in my lap in the middle of a lesson. Or how Gracie ALWAYS has to sit by me at church, and corrects anyone that calls me karis, with a "her name is CARROTS!" and a giggle. Or how Jackson really TALKS to me now, when for so long he hardly said a word... And the disappointment when a child doesn't listen and you have to put her in time out, or when Eva throws her food, or when Anna or Josh go backwards in their potty training. The excitement and energy a child can give you with just a smile and the sound of your name (mostly from Eva). The exhaustion that comes from running with what seems like a pack of wildebeests for hours. It all bottles together and creates this strange sense of belonging and euphoria that is just indescribable.

People always ask me why I choose to work with kids for a living. I get this question weekly, if not daily. It seems if I get asked what my major is, the automatic response is, "how are you going to live off that?" or "why would you want to work with KIDS?" the truth is, I have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to make a living with kids. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. I don't even really know WHY my heart beats just to be with them. I just know it's all there. The most peaceful I have ever felt is when I'm surrounded by kids I love. The calmness and the joy that just comes to me, no matter what they are doing... I can have the worst day with my kids and it will be miles and miles and miles better than the best day without them. I think God puts himself in kids to teach us and show us how incredible knowing Him can be, and it's a lesson to me everyday. Faith like a child. Love like a child. If only I could better emanate these qualities.

Now, to focus on two children, who I love more than I could ever put into words, my Eva Diva and my Bear. I think about Eva and Ben every day. They flash as my desktop on my mac, and sometimes I find myself just staring at the pictures and smiling at their goofy expressions or adorable smiles. Just the thought of those two children makes me so happy. I love being such a huge part of their lives, and I love that I've found a family that allows me to really love their children, and to really be a part of their worlds. It's so amazing to get little updates from Stephanie telling me what Eva did that day, or what Ben did. To see a difference in their day to day lives, and to see how much they're changing and affecting the world around them is just so, so cool. At church on Sunday, as Michelle was being baptized, Mtr. Travis was talking about how everyone you encounter is put in your life for a reason, and how there is a reason you were put in theirs. It's interesting to think about. A two year old and six month old have literally turned my world upside down. They have completely changed the way I think, what I do and how I act. They've made me appreciate the world so much more, and have given me a sense of amazement and wonder that I don't think I've ever had before. It's absolutely amazing to me that a toddler and an infant have changed me so much. I knew they've changed me. I'm aware of it every moment I step into their house, every time I see their pictures, every time I see a picture of a child or a saying about a child, or the anti-abortion signs on street corners. I know that they have revamped me. But I never really thought about why I'm in THEIR lives. I know why they're in mine. I know I should be a shining light of Jesus to them, but I don't know what that looks like to a two-year-old and an infant. 

It's somewhat strange to say this, but I know it needs to be said, just like it needed to be heard. And I think it's incredible that God used the two greatest loves of my life to bring this point home to me, but I need to be more diligent about knowing Christ. Recently, my life has seemed to spiral in different directions, and it's left me wondering what I believe and why I believe it. I don't think it's wrong to doubt or wonder, and I don't think it's wrong to leave things you've always known to be true, but I know that Christ is the son of God. I know that I sinned, and I know that I need to repent of that and accept Jesus as my personal savior on a daily basis. I know all of this, but recently, my heart has said other things. My heart hasn't wanted to do that, and the discord I feel with God is achingly painful. But I've never had the strength or the desire to really get back on track. Until Sunday. Mother Travis' words struck a chord with me, and as I was sitting there in the pew, I heard God say loudly to me, "Karis, you aren't being everything you can be for Eva and Ben if you aren't getting all you can get from Me." And it was a blow to the stomach. Tears came to my eyes, and I realized how true it was. I was put in their lives for a reason, and even though I don't know what showing Jesus to Eva and Ben LOOKS like, I know that's what I'm supposed to do. And I'm no closer to knowing how to show them the love of Christ with my bible closed in the corner of my room. So, this is my now. I'm starting fresh. I'm getting back into Jesus, and I'm praying and hoping that he'll take all that I have, add in all He is, and use me in the lives of the children I'm in contact with. Because oh, my biggest prayer is that they'll know Him. Really know Him, and really know the life that springs from Him. They may only be two and six-months, but I want them to be so full of the love of Christ they can't contain their excitement for Him. And I want to be as excited for Christ as they are every moment I walk in the room. Lord, help me to be that way.

"Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see everything that I've been missing. Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken-hearted, wasn't it far beyond my reach? Give me your heart for the ones forgotten; give me your eyes so I can see."

the days are gone, they fly away...

Well, fall semester is quickly approaching, and I have a mix of disbelief, excitement, dread, and anxiety stirring within me. The anxiety isn't so much from the classes I'm taking or even school in general, but just the general anxiety that comes with the question 'how the heck am I going to fit all of my life into 24 hour days?' I'm not too worried about it, even though everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm taking thirteen hours this semester (Bio, Child Development, Nutrition and Ecological Contexts) and working almost forty hours a week (between Canopy Oaks, Diva & Bear, and Holy Cross), and settling into apartment living, and even though everyone looks at me like I'm absolutely crazy, I am excited beyond belief. I know I can handle this. It's funny. People give me the crazy eye because they automatically think, 'when are you going to have time for FUN?' but what they don't understand is everything I have in my life is fun to me. Not one of my "jobs" feels like a job. I would choose to do these things even if I couldn't get paid. They're fun for me. And school, I like school. I enjoy taking classes and learning... and that's not to say I won't do other things as well... just, I like to keep busy, and I'm so blessed and fortunate to be able to keep busy with things I LOVE to do.

I saw Anna and Josh on Thursday afternoon. I met them and their mom for lunch at Chick fil-A. It was really so fun. I love those kids with all my heart, and I never realize how much I've missed them until I see their bright, shining faces again. It's amazing to me that when I first met the twins they were "awmost free!" and now they are bouncy four-year-olds. The change in their attitudes and behavior astounds me. They are looking more and more mature, and acting more and more mature. Anna is so much more confident than she was a year ago, and Joshua is much more inclusive... and talkative... and hyperactive. But he's amazing, and so is she, and I love the transformation they've gone through. They've really developed their own little personalities. I miss them, and I miss nannying for them, but where I am now is just incredible.

I started at Canopy Oaks again on Monday. I'd planned on not working their this year after I got the Holy Cross job, but a few weeks ago after working at Camp Araminta (which was incredible!) I decided it was where I needed to be. So I called Ms. Thomas and we worked out a schedule for me. And I've missed it so much. I got there Monday, and I was just so excited to see my kids. They're all so adorable and cute. I get to move up with my kindergartners to first grade, and that's really exciting. They've gotten a little worse behaved, but for the most part, my kids are good. And the new kindergartners are pretty good too, and I like them for the most part as well. We're having fun! It's good to see them all, and to work with Tyler again. It's fun to have that BFF time every day for four hours straight. :)

Holy Cross is going well. I did a lot of planning this week. We're doing The Gospel According to Dr. Seuss, and I'm really excited about it. Holy Cross itself is doing this thing called Financial Peace University--it's really exciting and fun. So a lot more kids are coming Wednesday nights because their parents are coming. So I have a wide plethora of ages and children to work with, which is challenging, but so, so fun. This week we're doing Bartholomew and the Oobleck (for the story) and we're talking about how Bartholomew Cubbins was a good friend to the King, and how God is a good friend to us because he helps us. Then we're going to make oobleck (so exciting!) and play fun games and make fun snacks and we're going over the story of the Good Samaritan (and watching the Veggie Tales that goes with it) and that's fun. I'm excited about where God is taking us this semester, and I'm so privileged to be a part of it.

Eva and Ben! Ahh, my kids! I love those two lil ones more than I think I've ever loved anyone in my life. I get there on Wednesday mornings and try to just soak up every minute I have with them because when 2:30 rolls around, I'm so sad to go home. They make my week every week. No matter what's going on in life or what I'm going through, those kids remain the light of my world. I can always count on Eva Diva for a laugh or nine. I can always count on Bear for a nice open mouthed kiss and some spit up. No, if Bear smiles once during the entire morning, it makes my week. Eva's random giggle fits make me laugh, and oh, this week she started saying my name, and I swear, there's nothing better than that. Ever. I love those kids. They're like a vacation away from the real world.

I was working at Camp Araminta this month, and it just felt so right. I forgot how much I've missed summer camp. I haven't gotten to go in any capacity for years, and when it was younger it was all I did. Now, it just feels so estranged, but going back felt so peaceful and at home. I've missed making memories, the campers, the focus on Christ, all of it... I can't wait to go back next year! I saw one of my kids, Sadie, the first day at Canopy Oaks, and it was just so, so good. God is definitely showing me where I'm supposed to be, and really tuning my loves and desires to match up with what He wants from me.

I feel somewhat far away from God right now, but I think we're just going through a rough patch. I've been praying more lately, slowly... I remember reading something in ninth grade about getting a watch that beeps on the hour and praying every time it beeps. I've been trying to do that. I figure if I do that, maybe I'll get to the point where I'll WANT to pray, and that'll be good... I've had things come up these past few weeks that have forced some prayer--that's one thing about me... I'm a prayer warrior. If I don't feel comfortable praying, there's definitely something wrong. Three weeks ago we were doing a prayer circle at bible study, and I just couldn't MAKE myself pray... That's when I realized how estranged God and I had become... but then things have happened in the past two weeks to friends of mine, and I've wanted to pray for them. So, even though those circumstances suck wholly, they've forced me to reexamine my relationship with Jesus and work on it a little bit.

"Give me your eyes for just one second; give me your eyes so I can see everything that I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity; give me your arms for the broken hearted, wasn't it far beyond my reach? Give me your heart for the once forgotten; give me your eyes so I can see. I want a second glance, so give me a second chance, to see the people the way you see them."