Two weeks ago, I started feeling incredibly depressed, and I couldn't figure out why. I've been reading Captivating and doing a bible study called Breaking Free--both of which are about being who God wants you to be, and breaking free from the wounds that have held you captive since childhood. Powerful stuff. Unfortunately, I have many wounds that have held me captive since my childhood, and trying to break them has been extremely difficult and extremely painful. Two weeks ago was a turning point in the bible and book study, as it was a time when I literally sat down and decided I was going to try and break free. And incredibly enough, God took control. God made the parts of my life that He didn't want me engaged in to become a source of stress and discomfort, a source of pain and sadness. And then, He nudged me to leave them. And when I did, I was left heartbroken.
The thing about putting your faith in God is He never leaves you or forsakes you. He is always there. That's why He is God. But when you try and make something else your god, something else that will leave you, forsake you, and ultimately break you, you crawl farther away from the Divine, and in the process, you crawl farther and farther away from WHO God is, and WHAT his promises say. And I had been crawling farther and farther away for the past year, to the point where when that thing was gone, that captivating part of my life, I didn't know who I was, what to do, or where to turn. All I knew was emptiness.
And perhaps I would have gone back to that sin that so easily entangles had I not gone on the retreat I went to. I was vulnerable there. I told people I was sad. I prayed. I earnestly sought after God. I ran after Him. I prayed. When I worshipped, I saw myself being nailed to a cross. I heard God saying to me, "this is the weight of your sins." And I felt it. And I saw God rip me off the cross, and stick Jesus there. And I watched as I nailed him there, as he died for my sins. And grief overcame me. Then the same night, I sat in the shower and cried for an hour over my sins. I confessed them to Jesus, and I cried with Him. I cried over how I had abandoned Him, how I had left Him, and the darkness in my heart.
And it went away for a little bit, but it didn't go away. I heard God telling me that I had to meet with new people. So I met with Denise. We talked about relaxing in God. About asking God, "what do you want me to do today?" And she mentioned a Psalms that says "be still and know that I am God." And it rolled off my back.
The next day, I hit a bottom of a depression. God told me to be vulnerable, to talk about it. And so I did. I called up my best friend, and he helped me through it. We laughed. We laughed hard. And I went to bed, reading the bible, soaking up the Word, trying desperately to understand what was going on in my life. And in Captivating, I read about how God romances me. And I decided to start looking for that.
Wednesday, I had an afternoon off. I spent my morning with Eva and Ben, sad, but looking at them in amazement of all God can do with and through the lives of children. That afternoon, I had the best birthday afternoon of my life. My best friend and I rode around town, taking random pictures and reminiscing on earlier parts of our friendship. It was incredible. God gave us so many gifts, so many romances. That night, I went out to dinner with my Mom and brother, and then afterwards, I went to bible study. And that's where I really felt God.
During the bible study, I started journaling. In Chapter Sunday night, are chaplain had told us one bible verse. It was Luke 1:37: "Nothing is impossible with God." I asked God what it meant. One of the girls in the group mentioned that she felt God was saying "rest and assurance" to her. I wrote that down, completely independent. Then under it, I wrote "be still and know that I am God." And at that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. Throughout the night, I asked a question to my journal, and God answered it through others words. I never once spoke aloud, I just listened. Until finally, God spoke "His Love Endures Forever." And then He stopped speaking.
I talked with Betsy and Daniel after the bible study, tearfully as we examined the places in my life where I was holding on, where I was controlling. Examining why I felt so invalidated. I explained that I felt as if nobody believed me or the struggles I'd been on. We wrestled with that. We wrestled with my faith, and why it was so hard for me to believe. As we were talking, I heard God tell me to tell Betsy that I struggled with believing God's love could last forever. We didn't talk about that very long, but I put it out there.
The next day, I saw romances from God again. I wrote down the things I had heard from God. I talked to Laura about how I felt God was crying with me and for me. And then I started writing a letter. I wrote about how I felt, how I felt completely alone with Kade, because he didn't remember what had happened to us as kids, and it took away what he and I had, because it was OUR bond, something only we went through. and then God grabbed my pen and wrote that He was there too. And for the next thirty minutes, I wrote, then God wrote, then I wrote, then God wrote. He answered all of my heart's questions, instilled a sense of peace inside of me. And said one thing that shook me to my core, the thread that made the tangled mess inside of me all come together.
"You have the capacity to love forever, because you were made in my image." God loves me. I love Him. and that love can and will continue forever. God spoke that so clearly to me. And how does he know? He MADE me. He gave me the capacity to love forever because he MADE me. He knows me and my desires and my heart better than anyone else. God will not divorce me. God is home. There is no brokenness where God is. God mends broken hearts. God redeems broken childhoods. God heals. God binds up the brokenhearted. He frees the captive. God is huge. God is amazing. God is incredible. And the God of the universe is romancing me in unbelievable ways. All I have to do is smile, take in His love letters and offer my praises back to Him. When I asked him in utter ecstasy how I could keep from singing his praise, he replied, "you can't. even the rocks cry out!" Even the rocks cry out.
"You are beautiful regardless, but you are far more beautiful in my presence."
