And all of you is more than enough for all of me.

Since I've started watching Jackson, I've started thinking a lot more about life and death and how precious our moments here are. I look at a little boy like Jackson, who at five years old lost his mother to a kidney infection that just happened to be the top of the iceberg of illnesses, and I find my mind reeling about the effects being motherless is going to have on his life, and how some things are just irreplaceable. Lately a feeling of nostalgia has overwhelmed me. I've been flooded with memories of my parents and I and my childhood, and while some of it has been awful to relive, lots more of it has been very good. And I realized that even though I was by no means 'well-off' and by no means had an easy childhood, I was blessed to have parents that love me an intense amount, even if sometimes I don't believe they do or fail to see it.  Since I've moved out, and since I've seen Jackson's life without a mother, I've come to realize how valuable having one around is. My mother has truly shaped so much of who I am and in so many ways, it's hard for me to fathom what my life would have been without her, or who I would have turned into without her. I only hope that someone can come along that can be a mother to Jackson and teach him all the wonderful things my mom taught me.

Working with kids is a funny thing. It has so much joy, so much disappointment, so much excitement and energy, and so much exhaustion. It's an incredibly fulfilling mixture of emotions that range across the entire spectrum. I can't even begin to describe the joy I feel when I see Eva for the first time one morning and she smiles and says my name over and over and over again. Or how every time I touch Ben's head on my way in the door he gives me a big huge bear grin. Or how Isabella stops on her way back from communion and just smiles and waves at me. Or how Kara will come and crawl in my lap in the middle of a lesson. Or how Gracie ALWAYS has to sit by me at church, and corrects anyone that calls me karis, with a "her name is CARROTS!" and a giggle. Or how Jackson really TALKS to me now, when for so long he hardly said a word... And the disappointment when a child doesn't listen and you have to put her in time out, or when Eva throws her food, or when Anna or Josh go backwards in their potty training. The excitement and energy a child can give you with just a smile and the sound of your name (mostly from Eva). The exhaustion that comes from running with what seems like a pack of wildebeests for hours. It all bottles together and creates this strange sense of belonging and euphoria that is just indescribable.

People always ask me why I choose to work with kids for a living. I get this question weekly, if not daily. It seems if I get asked what my major is, the automatic response is, "how are you going to live off that?" or "why would you want to work with KIDS?" the truth is, I have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to make a living with kids. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. I don't even really know WHY my heart beats just to be with them. I just know it's all there. The most peaceful I have ever felt is when I'm surrounded by kids I love. The calmness and the joy that just comes to me, no matter what they are doing... I can have the worst day with my kids and it will be miles and miles and miles better than the best day without them. I think God puts himself in kids to teach us and show us how incredible knowing Him can be, and it's a lesson to me everyday. Faith like a child. Love like a child. If only I could better emanate these qualities.

Now, to focus on two children, who I love more than I could ever put into words, my Eva Diva and my Bear. I think about Eva and Ben every day. They flash as my desktop on my mac, and sometimes I find myself just staring at the pictures and smiling at their goofy expressions or adorable smiles. Just the thought of those two children makes me so happy. I love being such a huge part of their lives, and I love that I've found a family that allows me to really love their children, and to really be a part of their worlds. It's so amazing to get little updates from Stephanie telling me what Eva did that day, or what Ben did. To see a difference in their day to day lives, and to see how much they're changing and affecting the world around them is just so, so cool. At church on Sunday, as Michelle was being baptized, Mtr. Travis was talking about how everyone you encounter is put in your life for a reason, and how there is a reason you were put in theirs. It's interesting to think about. A two year old and six month old have literally turned my world upside down. They have completely changed the way I think, what I do and how I act. They've made me appreciate the world so much more, and have given me a sense of amazement and wonder that I don't think I've ever had before. It's absolutely amazing to me that a toddler and an infant have changed me so much. I knew they've changed me. I'm aware of it every moment I step into their house, every time I see their pictures, every time I see a picture of a child or a saying about a child, or the anti-abortion signs on street corners. I know that they have revamped me. But I never really thought about why I'm in THEIR lives. I know why they're in mine. I know I should be a shining light of Jesus to them, but I don't know what that looks like to a two-year-old and an infant. 

It's somewhat strange to say this, but I know it needs to be said, just like it needed to be heard. And I think it's incredible that God used the two greatest loves of my life to bring this point home to me, but I need to be more diligent about knowing Christ. Recently, my life has seemed to spiral in different directions, and it's left me wondering what I believe and why I believe it. I don't think it's wrong to doubt or wonder, and I don't think it's wrong to leave things you've always known to be true, but I know that Christ is the son of God. I know that I sinned, and I know that I need to repent of that and accept Jesus as my personal savior on a daily basis. I know all of this, but recently, my heart has said other things. My heart hasn't wanted to do that, and the discord I feel with God is achingly painful. But I've never had the strength or the desire to really get back on track. Until Sunday. Mother Travis' words struck a chord with me, and as I was sitting there in the pew, I heard God say loudly to me, "Karis, you aren't being everything you can be for Eva and Ben if you aren't getting all you can get from Me." And it was a blow to the stomach. Tears came to my eyes, and I realized how true it was. I was put in their lives for a reason, and even though I don't know what showing Jesus to Eva and Ben LOOKS like, I know that's what I'm supposed to do. And I'm no closer to knowing how to show them the love of Christ with my bible closed in the corner of my room. So, this is my now. I'm starting fresh. I'm getting back into Jesus, and I'm praying and hoping that he'll take all that I have, add in all He is, and use me in the lives of the children I'm in contact with. Because oh, my biggest prayer is that they'll know Him. Really know Him, and really know the life that springs from Him. They may only be two and six-months, but I want them to be so full of the love of Christ they can't contain their excitement for Him. And I want to be as excited for Christ as they are every moment I walk in the room. Lord, help me to be that way.

"Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see everything that I've been missing. Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken-hearted, wasn't it far beyond my reach? Give me your heart for the ones forgotten; give me your eyes so I can see."