Boys, Toys, and Schmoys

I loved Walk Hard. Like, seriously, in a way that makes me almost ashamed that I saw it. But it seriously was the FUNNIEST movie I have ever seen in my lifetime. Also one of the raunchiest, but I just wanted to curl up on the couch and marry it. And drink hot chocolate. It was seriously the most incredible spoof I've ever seen. And it's not because I love Jenna Fischer, or because I hate Johnny Cash (I enjoy his music), but it was just funny... "You're not even half the boy that Nate was. You're not even half of the top half of what Nate was...." And then, "So you're saying I'm not even a quarter of the boy Nate was?"... "The wrong kid died!" Wow, loved it. 5 stars on the funny scale, 1 star on the wholesome scale, 0 stars on the family friendly scale.

I am seriously obsessed with hot chocolate, or as Brian calls it, "molten cocoa". It is seriously amazing. I could drink it everyday with no problems whatsoever. Seriously, FANTASTIC.

I've been watching The Office lately... and wow. I just could never get enough of it. I was really bummed when I went to The Gap today and there were no John Krasinski posters anywhere. What is our world coming to?

And Jesus. I just love Him. I've got to say, He's pretty dang swell. I saw the twins today, and the way their faces light up when they see anything, and their smiles and hugs... It just makes me wonder. How can anyone have children and not believe in some sort of higher power? And moreover, a GOOD, loving higher power? I just don't understand it. And I probably never will.

"After a well-balanced meal--or a well-deserved snack after school--treat yourself to a handful of jellybeans. But don't eat the black ones. They're disgusting. It's just my opinion, but it's the truth."

Alan

"Walk in love as Christ loved you, giving yourself as an offering and sacrifice to God."

"Go in peace to love and serve the Lord, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit."

I know no one person who better exemplified what this means than Alan. The only thing that rings true to me right now is that Alan was such an amazing person, he accomplished more of God's work in 50 years than most of us do in an entire lifetime.

I hope you rest in peace, Alan, but more than that, I hope you're having a party up there, with chips AND dip.

Alan, Love, Faith

It has been quite the week. After I posted last week, I found out that a friend and fellow Dynamos steering committee member Alan had gotten in a motorcycle accident on the way home from Jacksonville. As the week progressed, his condition worsened greatly. He's still hanging on right now, but the prognosis is grim. It's strange to see someone you love--even someone you've had little contact with--go from happy golucky to bed-ridden comatose in less than a few hours. It's all surreal, and it really makes me appreciate more and more the little interactions I have throughout the day. The people I meet and the conversations I have... They're all there for a reason.

As sad as it has been to hear of Alan's illness, it has also come with many lessons for me personally. I've been able to see the strength of a good Christian community--everyone has been constantly praying, not only for Alan, but for his family, and the rest of the community that knew and loved him. I have seen the power that exists within our community, a power that I know comes only from God. I have seen the love we have for each other, a love that comes only from God. We have stuck together, and I have no doubt we are a closer community because of it, and I have no doubt we will continue to stick together.

Faith. It's a funny word. Five letters that when put together mean so much to so many people. We have faith in God's will, in God's promises, and in God's love. And it's strange, the abudance of faith God has given me at this time. We talked last night at GforaG about how if you want more patience, God doesn't just give it to you, He gives you opportunities to be patient. I think that's happened so much with me this past year, and especially this past week. God's given me so many opportunities to have faith, and I've slowly but surely learned to take those opportunities. My God is a good God. I have faith in Him. Faith that it will all work out. I know it's a faith he has blessed me with.

"Christianity is about loving people as they are, and bringing Jesus to them as He is."

Steering Committee and Speeding Tickets

It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists and God has a really good sense of humor.

-Angela Martin, The Office

Yesterday I was told that I am a "little kid in a big kid's body," by a three-year-old girl named Anna. Anna and I were twirling around the living room, knocking things down and saying "WHEEE!" when all of a sudden she stops me and tells me this. I laughed and told her it was because it's fun to be a little kid. She told me she wanted to be a big kid. It got me thinking a bit...

Why is it that we always want to grow up? We always want to experience everything before it actually happens? We always want to jump the chain. I think it's just a natural tendency, but why is it natural? Why can't we just be happy the way we are? Why must we always be striving to be different. Being happy means learning to live with where your life is now.

I tend to flop back and forth between favorite songs, but I have to say that my very favorite song has always been Vienna by Billy Joel. It's all about learning to live with where you are and who you are at the present. Mmm.

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...
Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you

Today was our steering committee meeting. I feel really good about everything we accomplished, and I really feel like God was soooooo so present there. So I am fully satisfied and happy. I love how amazing my God is. Seriously, He never ceases to amaze me.

(I am so pumped for Gorge for a George tomorrow!)

Ch.Ch.Ch.Changes...

"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything." -Meredith Grey

Lately, my life has been centered around that six letter word. Change. Everything is changing; nothing stays the same. I think it's more true in college than anywhere else. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it seems like everyone is always changing in college. Nobody ever seems to stay stagnant. Semesters close and classes change; jobs change; relationships change. Everything is always moving, which is, at some times, discomforting, and yet at other times, it is the most comforting thing in the world.

I am currently sending out resumes and applying for jobs. I have two strong leads, and a few other leads that don't seem to be going anywhere. I'm picking my classes for next semester. I'm looking at joining the Christian sorority on campus. I'm looking to be more involved with the ASA (Anglican Student Association) and St. Peters in general, and I'm letting go of kids I love and hoping to take in new kids to love. Everything around me is changing constantly, but that doesn't even pale to how I'm changing inside. And the funny thing is, it seems so natural and peaceful that I almost want to just laugh at how amazing it feels.

I really feel God pushing and pulling me this semester. Pushing me where he wants me to be and pulling me from where I am that's not healthy. I feel him telling me to let my guard down, to let go of everything that I've kept hidden and to truly enjoy life. For the first time, I think I'm really doing that. Enjoying my life. Every day I wake up excited to greet the fun and obstacles that I do. I really just love the place where I'm at now.

A friend of mine found out she's pregnant today. If that's not a change, I don't know what is. They have a 6 month old baby already, haven't been married a year, but they're already expecting number two. Talk about ch-ch-ch-changes.

The Office

I really, really, really love The Office. In fact, I think I'm obsessed with it. I'm not sure why I love it so much, but I do. For some reason, it really hits me. I think it's something everyone can relate to. Everyone has loved someone that hasn't loved them back. Everyone has been hated by someone for no reason. Everyone has been the awkward one that was left out. Everyone has been singled out. And I think that's what's so great about The Office.

"This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here." Sometimes, I feel like churches take this tone. I'm not going to go into naming them or denominations or anything like that, but I really do feel that way. Sometimes, churches open their doors, say "come on in" and then send people out with their rude assumptions and unkind words. I'm all for speaking the Gospel and the Truth (same thing), but there are some things that don't need to be said. Sometimes you can let things slide, and welcome PEOPLE over their sins. You can. It's possible.

I love St. Peter's. I can't explain why. I can't explain what is so appealing to me, but it is. I love the feeling of being connected with other Christians in such an intimate way. I really can't explain why, I think it's something that comes with knowing Christ and feeling His spirit. Some sort of connection... But I feel it at St. Peter's. And not just at church with our hands held high praising, but around the dinner table at Decent Pizza, and in regular conversation.

It makes me wish that all conversations could be like these. That all relationships were the same with non-Christians alike. I can't even begin to describe how different it is to be friends with my Christian friends than my non-Christians. The Christians know me in a way nobody else ever will. They understand a part of me. I can explain it to my non-Christian friends, but until they experience what's at the center of my heart and the center of my life, they'll never fully understand it. I'm not saying this to be mean, or rude, or condescending. I just know that I found something in Christ, and understood things about other Christians, a lot more when I became one myself.

All that to say, "Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family. "

Procrastination and Christmas

Well, I've decided to start procrastinating more... Except it's not really so much as a decision, as something I just kind of slid into. Right now, I am procrastinating. I have two papers, four tests, a three chapters of a book to read, and yet I am sitting here, writing about it. I know I should be doing it, and I know I will kick myself later for not doing it, but right now, the idea of typing out meaningless thoughts for nobody to read makes me feel more productive. So, there we go.

It's kind of a bittersweet time, Christmas is. I'm reminded of so many things at once. How amazing God is to have loved me (and you) so much as to send Himself down to earth in the form of a human to endure all of the things we have to endure. Everyone always says that Christ felt the same pain we did. I don't buy it. I think we're lessening Christ's pain by saying that. I think he felt more. I mean, God created the world. He had a perfect vision for what this world would be like, and He knew it would fall, but He still created it. He created each one of us, hoping, desperately, that we would choose to live with him and for him. And yet, when He comes down to earth, He is faced with the ultimate reality that we are nothing near what he had originally designed us to be. That's not to say that God doesn't love us, but it is to say something... He didn't want our lives to be like this. He doesn't want meaninglessness. God wants us to be so completely enamored in Him and in who He is. And yet, when He comes down to earth, the only thing we can do is send Him straight to a cross. The only thing we can think to do is grind nails through his veins, feed him vinegar, and push thorns into his scalp. I'm just thinking... Being betrayed by the people I created, the world I created, and having to hang on a cross with rusty nails in my hands and feet and thorns pressed against my head.... I haven't ever had to go through that kind of pain. I don't know anybody who has. So for us to say that God went through the same pain we did... It's horrible. He went through so much more. So much more. And why? So we might, maybe, one day, love Him. All He wants is our love. And look what he went through to get it.

I think what makes me so sad around the Holidays, sometimes, is how much people forget this. How much people don't GET what Christmas is all about. You can have your own religious beliefs, that's fine. But Christmas is not about saying "Merry Christmas" or decorating Christmas trees, or having red and green parties or Santa's cookies. That's not Christmas. That's just fun and games that are used to celebrate Christmas. For some families. Christmas, is celebrating Christ. Celebrating this God that came down and took our form, endured so much pain for us, and would do it again if He had the chance. Celebrating Him and saying "I accept this. I'm not worthy of you, and I'm humbled by all you've done for me. I don't deserve it. I'll never understand the depth of why you did what you did, but I accept it." That's what Christmas is about. It's not about the cookies or Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

My Christmas season is always a bit bittersweet, but this year, it's even more so. My first year as an adult, doing it "the college way", means that I'm no longer forced to go to one house or another. I choose where I want to be now, and that's bittersweet. The expectations of spending time with family, and the desire to do so, mixed with the practicalities. Letting go of Anna and Josh--the twins I nanny for that I love so much--and taking in a new family, new children, hopefully. Watching as the kids I love are hurting so desperately as their father is away at war and not knowing how to help them. Watching my first semester at Florida State come to a close, and realizing that I've had the best semester of my life so far, and I still haven't done half of what I said I'd do. It's all bittersweet, as we celebrate Christ. Everything comes to an end at some point, and everything begins at some point. And I think those beginnings are really what Christmas is about. The knowledge that all things must end, but the hope that accompanies that. At Christmas, we look to the future and realize that it has the potential to be amazing.

It's so strange to know that it's already December. I feel like it was just yesterday that August was approaching, and with it, my first day of classes. So much of me has changed this semester, and I can feel growth oozing out of me and inside of me. I hope that this feeling of unlimited growth lasts because I've never felt anything like it, and now that I have, I'm not sure I ever want to let go.

And to immortalize my favorite book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I'll share the quote that most reminds me of the Christmas season, or at least how I'm feeling right now: "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."