I am so blessed, and I feel like I've found my way

I can't believe I haven't updated since April, and part of me wishes I had because then I'd have somewhere to look at and remember all of the amazing blessings from this summer, but alas, I didn't and I'll have to think there's purpose in that.

Looking back on where I was in April, I see a complete transformation in who I am. God has been doing a really mighty number in my life, and it's been amazing to live. He's blessed me in so many ways, and I could try and list them all and never quite get close to even a shadow of the multitude of them. It makes my heart just want to sing praises and thank yous to God.

One of the biggest blessings of this summer was the relationships I developed, and the healing I received. Particularly, in Betsy and Daniel and their family. I feel God totally ordained this summer with them, and my relationships with them. We all prayed about it and felt God was calling us to have a more regular relationship, and it's been incredible to witness what he's done each week. I feel strongly that God has healed many places in my heart by giving me the family I've found in them, and it's been so amazing to see. I can't quite put it into words, but my heart overflows with them. One of the greatest things has been the relationship I've developed with their children, who have blessed me consistently throughout my time with them. I've found a family and a place to feel safe and at home, and I've not found that anywhere else. It's really amazing to me that in all of my anger and bitterness and sadness over not having the family I wanted growing up, God has taken those voids and filled them through that family. And it's healed me, and my relationships with my family members in amazing ways. :)

This summer has been a whole lot of branching out, and a whole lot of being in relationship with new people... A lot of seasons. I went on an amazing retreat and received a lot of healing in that--mostly in the idea that Jesus sees me as his bride. That he waits in expectation for me. That my name is no longer desolate or deserted, but married, and "my delight is in her". What a lesson from the King of the universe. Love, love, love.

There have been a lot of one-shot opportunities for healing. With camp, conversations, retreats, and just studying God's word and listening to His voice. I think one of the biggest things that happened was a revelation of a dream I'd had as a child, and the interpretation of it as an adult that really highlighted the root of a lot of issues. It's put me in a few classes for the fall/year that I think God is definitely in. I can feel him breaking apart and chipping away at my heart to bring me closer to who He wants me to be.

I've been feeling a bit of a lull in my personal relationship with Jesus recently (I know, it's not God that moves, it's me that moves), but writing down this blog and remembering the immense blessings and healing of this summer is lighting a new fire and desire for Christ inside of me, and I love it. To live is Christ and to die is gain! For sure!!

So now, going into the fall, I suppose I'm looking at my heart and who I am and how I'm made up, and wondering what else God could possibly do for me :) I know he has huge plans for my life (he taught me that too, thanks Grandpa!) and I'm so excited to feel him moving inside of me and through me. I can't wait to write my next blog in four months and talk about the immense blessings of the fall.

I feel like a completely different person. Suddenly, it's so clear to me how truth it is that God works all things for the good of those who love him. I have a faith I didn't before, and a passion and love for God I didn't before. He truly is a God who keeps his word!! God is not man that he should lie, nor son of man that he should change his mind! Does he promise and not fulfill? Does he speak and not act? GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say. 'Blessed by the name of the Lord! Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be his glorious name.' "

I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!

These past two weeks have been incredible in every way. I've been to ultra-lows and ultra-highs in ways that I never expected to, and I honestly feel like I've found God in the process so much more. My last post was about my 7 New Years Resolutions', and I'm amazed to find I've actually started or completed nearly all of them, but the biggest one is #7. Finding God in sunsets and sushi. This is so incredibly difficult for me, which is strange because it's probably the one most readily available.

Two weeks ago, I started feeling incredibly depressed, and I couldn't figure out why. I've been reading Captivating and doing a bible study called Breaking Free--both of which are about being who God wants you to be, and breaking free from the wounds that have held you captive since childhood. Powerful stuff. Unfortunately, I have many wounds that have held me captive since my childhood, and trying to break them has been extremely difficult and extremely painful. Two weeks ago was a turning point in the bible and book study, as it was a time when I literally sat down and decided I was going to try and break free. And incredibly enough, God took control. God made the parts of my life that He didn't want me engaged in to become a source of stress and discomfort, a source of pain and sadness. And then, He nudged me to leave them. And when I did, I was left heartbroken.

The thing about putting your faith in God is He never leaves you or forsakes you. He is always there. That's why He is God. But when you try and make something else your god, something else that will leave you, forsake you, and ultimately break you, you crawl farther away from the Divine, and in the process, you crawl farther and farther away from WHO God is, and WHAT his promises say. And I had been crawling farther and farther away for the past year, to the point where when that thing was gone, that captivating part of my life, I didn't know who I was, what to do, or where to turn. All I knew was emptiness.

And perhaps I would have gone back to that sin that so easily entangles had I not gone on the retreat I went to. I was vulnerable there. I told people I was sad. I prayed. I earnestly sought after God. I ran after Him. I prayed. When I worshipped, I saw myself being nailed to a cross. I heard God saying to me, "this is the weight of your sins." And I felt it. And I saw God rip me off the cross, and stick Jesus there. And I watched as I nailed him there, as he died for my sins. And grief overcame me. Then the same night, I sat in the shower and cried for an hour over my sins. I confessed them to Jesus, and I cried with Him. I cried over how I had abandoned Him, how I had left Him, and the darkness in my heart.

And it went away for a little bit, but it didn't go away. I heard God telling me that I had to meet with new people. So I met with Denise. We talked about relaxing in God. About asking God, "what do you want me to do today?" And she mentioned a Psalms that says "be still and know that I am God." And it rolled off my back.

The next day, I hit a bottom of a depression. God told me to be vulnerable, to talk about it. And so I did. I called up my best friend, and he helped me through it. We laughed. We laughed hard. And I went to bed, reading the bible, soaking up the Word, trying desperately to understand what was going on in my life. And in Captivating, I read about how God romances me. And I decided to start looking for that.

Wednesday, I had an afternoon off. I spent my morning with Eva and Ben, sad, but looking at them in amazement of all God can do with and through the lives of children. That afternoon, I had the best birthday afternoon of my life. My best friend and I rode around town, taking random pictures and reminiscing on earlier parts of our friendship. It was incredible. God gave us so many gifts, so many romances. That night, I went out to dinner with my Mom and brother, and then afterwards, I went to bible study. And that's where I really felt God.

During the bible study, I started journaling. In Chapter Sunday night, are chaplain had told us one bible verse. It was Luke 1:37: "Nothing is impossible with God." I asked God what it meant. One of the girls in the group mentioned that she felt God was saying "rest and assurance" to her. I wrote that down, completely independent. Then under it, I wrote "be still and know that I am God." And at that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. Throughout the night, I asked a question to my journal, and God answered it through others words. I never once spoke aloud, I just listened. Until finally, God spoke "His Love Endures Forever." And then He stopped speaking.

I talked with Betsy and Daniel after the bible study, tearfully as we examined the places in my life where I was holding on, where I was controlling. Examining why I felt so invalidated. I explained that I felt as if nobody believed me or the struggles I'd been on. We wrestled with that. We wrestled with my faith, and why it was so hard for me to believe. As we were talking, I heard God tell me to tell Betsy that I struggled with believing God's love could last forever. We didn't talk about that very long, but I put it out there.

The next day, I saw romances from God again. I wrote down the things I had heard from God. I talked to Laura about how I felt God was crying with me and for me. And then I started writing a letter. I wrote about how I felt, how I felt completely alone with Kade, because he didn't remember what had happened to us as kids, and it took away what he and I had, because it was OUR bond, something only we went through. and then God grabbed my pen and wrote that He was there too. And for the next thirty minutes, I wrote, then God wrote, then I wrote, then God wrote. He answered all of my heart's questions, instilled a sense of peace inside of me. And said one thing that shook me to my core, the thread that made the tangled mess inside of me all come together.

"You have the capacity to love forever, because you were made in my image." God loves me. I love Him. and that love can and will continue forever. God spoke that so clearly to me. And how does he know? He MADE me. He gave me the capacity to love forever because he MADE me. He knows me and my desires and my heart better than anyone else. God will not divorce me. God is home. There is no brokenness where God is. God mends broken hearts. God redeems broken childhoods. God heals. God binds up the brokenhearted. He frees the captive. God is huge. God is amazing. God is incredible. And the God of the universe is romancing me in unbelievable ways. All I have to do is smile, take in His love letters and offer my praises back to Him. When I asked him in utter ecstasy how I could keep from singing his praise, he replied, "you can't. even the rocks cry out!" Even the rocks cry out.

"You are beautiful regardless, but you are far more beautiful in my presence."