the only thing that stays the same is how much we change

Sometimes I sit with kids (other than Eva & Ben), and I wonder what I'm doing there. I know that sounds awful, but sometimes, life just seems to make no sense. I catch myself wondering sometimes what impact I'm having on the child sitting next to me (if at all), and then I wonder if every moment has to be something you fully expect to impact a child in, or if you can just let some slide and just trust that there'll come another one. I don't know. I've been having these thoughts with Jackson a lot lately. Mostly because I'm frustrated with the situation. Not with him, but with the situation. And then last night something happened that reminded me why I do what I do, and why I love that child, even when frustrations get the best of me.

I was complaining to my mother last Wednesday afternoon about the situation with Jackson. There were a lot of little gripes, but mostly, it all boiled down to the fact that I felt distant with him. Almost like there wasn't a connection there... I chalked it up somewhat to being biased about connections (wondering if I just thought there was no connection because my connection with e&b was so sharp), but the more I sat and marinated with it, the more I realized that it was because he didn't want to, or couldn't have that connection. I'm not sure how to describe it. The kid has had an extremely difficult life. I know that. It's obvious to me when I walk into their house that there is something missing. Jackson has grown up being shuffled from place to place, with no mother around for the most part (and now, no mother around at all), and has never had any stability in his life. Wherever he is, he's gone the next day. The people who are around one day are gone another. He never knows what to expect, and his life is out of control to him. It took me a while to piece all this together. It took a lot of, "Jackson, say my name"s, and a lot of following him to force him to talk, and a lot of wondering what in the world was going on in his head. He spent a month hardly talking to me, and sometimes, it was just unbearable. I wanted to give him time, but I didn't know how to do it or what he needed.

I had Jackson Friday and Saturday of this past weekend. Friday night, I let him have his friend, William spend the night. They were supposed to go to bed at nine, but I let them stay up until 9:30. And I didn't force them to go to sleep, I said they could stay up talking if they wanted. I'm pretty sure they didn't actually fall asleep until 11:30. Then the next morning we got up, and I got Jackson his breakfast, and William went home, and Jackson and I made a deal that if he did his sight words during the week, he wouldn't have to do them on the weekend. And then I left. Sounds like nothing.

But yesterday, out of nowhere, things changed. He came running in the door at eight after his gymnastics, calling my name through the house. A kid that four days ago would pretend he didn't remember it. He crawled on my bed and started tickling me. A kid that four days ago wouldn't even let me in his room or let me brush his hair. And then we tickled for a little bit, and he took his bath, and that night, I went to go read his story. And we climbed on the bed together, and I started reading, and he laid his head on my chest, and started pointing out all the sight words, and giggling, and being a kid. And it was so different from the Jackson I knew for the past month. It was this new person who was outgoing, and laughing, and loving. And it was one of the most rewarding days I've had. Seeing a child change and grow is just so, so cool.

Speaking of changing and growing, how the heck did Eva reach TWO? Eva?! NOT MY EVA! Where did all the time go!? Where is the little girl that used to lay down on my chest and watch Greys with me and try and sneak morning naps? She's turned into a walking, talking, diaper throwing, Bear kissing bunch of giggles and happiness. I hadn't realized how much she's changed until I ran into my friend Amy today at Starbucks. We were talking, and I mentioned that Eva's birthday party had been this past weekend and that she'd turned two, and Amy looked at me flabbergasted. And I realized how much Eva has changed and how different she is now! When I first started watching her, the baby couldn't talk. She couldn't walk (though that came really, really quickly), and now she's walking, talking, ELMOing.... being an amazing little person. And I've noticed her change emotionally too. I feel like she's a lot happier now, more excited about life. More adventuresome, for sure. And sometimes, more affectionate. Especially with Bear.... and Bear, that's just another story! I can't believe the little baby that was screaming bloody murder those first few weeks is now happy and healthy and a beautiful, wonderful six month old. He's kicking and smiling and loving bath time. Doing so well with tummy time, and bouncy time. He recognizes me when I come in, he loves his big sister.... It's just amazing how much these kids have changed, and it makes it feel so worthwhile and meaningful, being with them. :)