New Years Resolutions... that I may or may not keep.

Everyone always does New Years Resolutions, it seems. And then it makes me laugh because everyone always asks everyone else what they're doing. And I don't know, maybe I'm alone in this feeling, but I'm kind of like, if it's a resolution, it probably means I feel pretty bad about where my life is right now with this particular aspect... so why would I tell you that I'm dissatisfied with myself the way I am. The whole purpose of a resolution is to change who you are because you don't like what you've become. And what is with the automatic idea of everyone that we're all going to fail. It's incredibly disheartening. Maybe someone, somewhere, should give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe 2009 is the year people will keep their New Years Resolutions... And because I'm one of those people that needs to always be able to write down what I'm feeling and where my resolutions are, here they are, in all their glory.

1. Learn how to actually love people. Not cookie-cutter love, but real, genuine, selfless love. Or at least start trying to learn.

2. Lose two pounds every month.

3. Learn to trust God with the small things. Stop worrying about how I'm going to make ends meet.

4. Break the text messaging addiction.

5. Read twelve books that aren't textbooks.

6. Get over him. Or at least stop banking on him.

7. Find God in sunsets and sushi.

Life gave me lemonade and I can't imagine why

I feel like all I ever talk about or write about these days are my little pieces of heaven on earth, but that's okay. I don't feel like I need any new inspiration or anything. Eva & Bear came to the Christmas Unwrapped production at the church on Friday night, and they were just too adorable. I watched Ben during a lot of it, and he was just so happy and big and just sitting in Mtr. Travis' lap so well. I was proud of him. :) And he seemed to really be enjoying himself. I caught him bobbing his head to the music some, and I caught him giggling some. I was excited to see him there. It's funny how much he pays attention now... It seems like he always has, but I was just remembering him a few months ago and how he wouldn't hold a stare, and now he can sit there and watch a production for an hour. Awesome. And Diva-Kay was just so cute. Sitting there and the whole place is silent until all of a sudden you hear "KAWIS! HOWD YOU KAWIS!!!" It can just warm your heart and soul :) She makes me so happy. Her little giggles. :) Those are what dreams are made of!

Betsy & Daniel brought Sarah Jane to church today. My, she's a teeny one! I remember when I first met Ben when he was just a few weeks old! I thought he was the littlest thing ever! And when Steph handed him to me, I could hold onto him with one hand (but I didn't dare!) but Sarah Jane is so much littler! Ben was definitely bigger, and he was the same age when I first met him as Sarah Jane is now. It's crazy. She's only six pounds, and I swear! I sat there and watched her and watched her. She's just too cute. I love little babies.

It's crazy to think about, but it's been a year since I first met Eva. Crazy. I remember when I did meet her, that same night I called my mom and I was just so excited. Since I started babysitting six years ago, I've always heard people say that you just find your family... that there's some sort of strange bond that happens between a babysitter and a family and you just walk away knowing that's where you're supposed to be... And I had forgotten until my Mom reminded me how much I felt that the first night I went over and met Eva & Steph (so weird, no bear?) and I think that's one of the coolest things. Having that bond with the kids and with Steph. It's just been such a blessing to my life, and I'm so thankful that I've gotten the chance to know them. When I babysat DW, his mom used to always ask me "isn't this great birth control?" I feel so lucky to have found kids that are horrible birth control.

the only thing that stays the same is how much we change

Sometimes I sit with kids (other than Eva & Ben), and I wonder what I'm doing there. I know that sounds awful, but sometimes, life just seems to make no sense. I catch myself wondering sometimes what impact I'm having on the child sitting next to me (if at all), and then I wonder if every moment has to be something you fully expect to impact a child in, or if you can just let some slide and just trust that there'll come another one. I don't know. I've been having these thoughts with Jackson a lot lately. Mostly because I'm frustrated with the situation. Not with him, but with the situation. And then last night something happened that reminded me why I do what I do, and why I love that child, even when frustrations get the best of me.

I was complaining to my mother last Wednesday afternoon about the situation with Jackson. There were a lot of little gripes, but mostly, it all boiled down to the fact that I felt distant with him. Almost like there wasn't a connection there... I chalked it up somewhat to being biased about connections (wondering if I just thought there was no connection because my connection with e&b was so sharp), but the more I sat and marinated with it, the more I realized that it was because he didn't want to, or couldn't have that connection. I'm not sure how to describe it. The kid has had an extremely difficult life. I know that. It's obvious to me when I walk into their house that there is something missing. Jackson has grown up being shuffled from place to place, with no mother around for the most part (and now, no mother around at all), and has never had any stability in his life. Wherever he is, he's gone the next day. The people who are around one day are gone another. He never knows what to expect, and his life is out of control to him. It took me a while to piece all this together. It took a lot of, "Jackson, say my name"s, and a lot of following him to force him to talk, and a lot of wondering what in the world was going on in his head. He spent a month hardly talking to me, and sometimes, it was just unbearable. I wanted to give him time, but I didn't know how to do it or what he needed.

I had Jackson Friday and Saturday of this past weekend. Friday night, I let him have his friend, William spend the night. They were supposed to go to bed at nine, but I let them stay up until 9:30. And I didn't force them to go to sleep, I said they could stay up talking if they wanted. I'm pretty sure they didn't actually fall asleep until 11:30. Then the next morning we got up, and I got Jackson his breakfast, and William went home, and Jackson and I made a deal that if he did his sight words during the week, he wouldn't have to do them on the weekend. And then I left. Sounds like nothing.

But yesterday, out of nowhere, things changed. He came running in the door at eight after his gymnastics, calling my name through the house. A kid that four days ago would pretend he didn't remember it. He crawled on my bed and started tickling me. A kid that four days ago wouldn't even let me in his room or let me brush his hair. And then we tickled for a little bit, and he took his bath, and that night, I went to go read his story. And we climbed on the bed together, and I started reading, and he laid his head on my chest, and started pointing out all the sight words, and giggling, and being a kid. And it was so different from the Jackson I knew for the past month. It was this new person who was outgoing, and laughing, and loving. And it was one of the most rewarding days I've had. Seeing a child change and grow is just so, so cool.

Speaking of changing and growing, how the heck did Eva reach TWO? Eva?! NOT MY EVA! Where did all the time go!? Where is the little girl that used to lay down on my chest and watch Greys with me and try and sneak morning naps? She's turned into a walking, talking, diaper throwing, Bear kissing bunch of giggles and happiness. I hadn't realized how much she's changed until I ran into my friend Amy today at Starbucks. We were talking, and I mentioned that Eva's birthday party had been this past weekend and that she'd turned two, and Amy looked at me flabbergasted. And I realized how much Eva has changed and how different she is now! When I first started watching her, the baby couldn't talk. She couldn't walk (though that came really, really quickly), and now she's walking, talking, ELMOing.... being an amazing little person. And I've noticed her change emotionally too. I feel like she's a lot happier now, more excited about life. More adventuresome, for sure. And sometimes, more affectionate. Especially with Bear.... and Bear, that's just another story! I can't believe the little baby that was screaming bloody murder those first few weeks is now happy and healthy and a beautiful, wonderful six month old. He's kicking and smiling and loving bath time. Doing so well with tummy time, and bouncy time. He recognizes me when I come in, he loves his big sister.... It's just amazing how much these kids have changed, and it makes it feel so worthwhile and meaningful, being with them. :)

And all of you is more than enough for all of me.

Since I've started watching Jackson, I've started thinking a lot more about life and death and how precious our moments here are. I look at a little boy like Jackson, who at five years old lost his mother to a kidney infection that just happened to be the top of the iceberg of illnesses, and I find my mind reeling about the effects being motherless is going to have on his life, and how some things are just irreplaceable. Lately a feeling of nostalgia has overwhelmed me. I've been flooded with memories of my parents and I and my childhood, and while some of it has been awful to relive, lots more of it has been very good. And I realized that even though I was by no means 'well-off' and by no means had an easy childhood, I was blessed to have parents that love me an intense amount, even if sometimes I don't believe they do or fail to see it.  Since I've moved out, and since I've seen Jackson's life without a mother, I've come to realize how valuable having one around is. My mother has truly shaped so much of who I am and in so many ways, it's hard for me to fathom what my life would have been without her, or who I would have turned into without her. I only hope that someone can come along that can be a mother to Jackson and teach him all the wonderful things my mom taught me.

Working with kids is a funny thing. It has so much joy, so much disappointment, so much excitement and energy, and so much exhaustion. It's an incredibly fulfilling mixture of emotions that range across the entire spectrum. I can't even begin to describe the joy I feel when I see Eva for the first time one morning and she smiles and says my name over and over and over again. Or how every time I touch Ben's head on my way in the door he gives me a big huge bear grin. Or how Isabella stops on her way back from communion and just smiles and waves at me. Or how Kara will come and crawl in my lap in the middle of a lesson. Or how Gracie ALWAYS has to sit by me at church, and corrects anyone that calls me karis, with a "her name is CARROTS!" and a giggle. Or how Jackson really TALKS to me now, when for so long he hardly said a word... And the disappointment when a child doesn't listen and you have to put her in time out, or when Eva throws her food, or when Anna or Josh go backwards in their potty training. The excitement and energy a child can give you with just a smile and the sound of your name (mostly from Eva). The exhaustion that comes from running with what seems like a pack of wildebeests for hours. It all bottles together and creates this strange sense of belonging and euphoria that is just indescribable.

People always ask me why I choose to work with kids for a living. I get this question weekly, if not daily. It seems if I get asked what my major is, the automatic response is, "how are you going to live off that?" or "why would you want to work with KIDS?" the truth is, I have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to make a living with kids. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. I don't even really know WHY my heart beats just to be with them. I just know it's all there. The most peaceful I have ever felt is when I'm surrounded by kids I love. The calmness and the joy that just comes to me, no matter what they are doing... I can have the worst day with my kids and it will be miles and miles and miles better than the best day without them. I think God puts himself in kids to teach us and show us how incredible knowing Him can be, and it's a lesson to me everyday. Faith like a child. Love like a child. If only I could better emanate these qualities.

Now, to focus on two children, who I love more than I could ever put into words, my Eva Diva and my Bear. I think about Eva and Ben every day. They flash as my desktop on my mac, and sometimes I find myself just staring at the pictures and smiling at their goofy expressions or adorable smiles. Just the thought of those two children makes me so happy. I love being such a huge part of their lives, and I love that I've found a family that allows me to really love their children, and to really be a part of their worlds. It's so amazing to get little updates from Stephanie telling me what Eva did that day, or what Ben did. To see a difference in their day to day lives, and to see how much they're changing and affecting the world around them is just so, so cool. At church on Sunday, as Michelle was being baptized, Mtr. Travis was talking about how everyone you encounter is put in your life for a reason, and how there is a reason you were put in theirs. It's interesting to think about. A two year old and six month old have literally turned my world upside down. They have completely changed the way I think, what I do and how I act. They've made me appreciate the world so much more, and have given me a sense of amazement and wonder that I don't think I've ever had before. It's absolutely amazing to me that a toddler and an infant have changed me so much. I knew they've changed me. I'm aware of it every moment I step into their house, every time I see their pictures, every time I see a picture of a child or a saying about a child, or the anti-abortion signs on street corners. I know that they have revamped me. But I never really thought about why I'm in THEIR lives. I know why they're in mine. I know I should be a shining light of Jesus to them, but I don't know what that looks like to a two-year-old and an infant. 

It's somewhat strange to say this, but I know it needs to be said, just like it needed to be heard. And I think it's incredible that God used the two greatest loves of my life to bring this point home to me, but I need to be more diligent about knowing Christ. Recently, my life has seemed to spiral in different directions, and it's left me wondering what I believe and why I believe it. I don't think it's wrong to doubt or wonder, and I don't think it's wrong to leave things you've always known to be true, but I know that Christ is the son of God. I know that I sinned, and I know that I need to repent of that and accept Jesus as my personal savior on a daily basis. I know all of this, but recently, my heart has said other things. My heart hasn't wanted to do that, and the discord I feel with God is achingly painful. But I've never had the strength or the desire to really get back on track. Until Sunday. Mother Travis' words struck a chord with me, and as I was sitting there in the pew, I heard God say loudly to me, "Karis, you aren't being everything you can be for Eva and Ben if you aren't getting all you can get from Me." And it was a blow to the stomach. Tears came to my eyes, and I realized how true it was. I was put in their lives for a reason, and even though I don't know what showing Jesus to Eva and Ben LOOKS like, I know that's what I'm supposed to do. And I'm no closer to knowing how to show them the love of Christ with my bible closed in the corner of my room. So, this is my now. I'm starting fresh. I'm getting back into Jesus, and I'm praying and hoping that he'll take all that I have, add in all He is, and use me in the lives of the children I'm in contact with. Because oh, my biggest prayer is that they'll know Him. Really know Him, and really know the life that springs from Him. They may only be two and six-months, but I want them to be so full of the love of Christ they can't contain their excitement for Him. And I want to be as excited for Christ as they are every moment I walk in the room. Lord, help me to be that way.

"Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see everything that I've been missing. Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken-hearted, wasn't it far beyond my reach? Give me your heart for the ones forgotten; give me your eyes so I can see."

the days are gone, they fly away...

Well, fall semester is quickly approaching, and I have a mix of disbelief, excitement, dread, and anxiety stirring within me. The anxiety isn't so much from the classes I'm taking or even school in general, but just the general anxiety that comes with the question 'how the heck am I going to fit all of my life into 24 hour days?' I'm not too worried about it, even though everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm taking thirteen hours this semester (Bio, Child Development, Nutrition and Ecological Contexts) and working almost forty hours a week (between Canopy Oaks, Diva & Bear, and Holy Cross), and settling into apartment living, and even though everyone looks at me like I'm absolutely crazy, I am excited beyond belief. I know I can handle this. It's funny. People give me the crazy eye because they automatically think, 'when are you going to have time for FUN?' but what they don't understand is everything I have in my life is fun to me. Not one of my "jobs" feels like a job. I would choose to do these things even if I couldn't get paid. They're fun for me. And school, I like school. I enjoy taking classes and learning... and that's not to say I won't do other things as well... just, I like to keep busy, and I'm so blessed and fortunate to be able to keep busy with things I LOVE to do.

I saw Anna and Josh on Thursday afternoon. I met them and their mom for lunch at Chick fil-A. It was really so fun. I love those kids with all my heart, and I never realize how much I've missed them until I see their bright, shining faces again. It's amazing to me that when I first met the twins they were "awmost free!" and now they are bouncy four-year-olds. The change in their attitudes and behavior astounds me. They are looking more and more mature, and acting more and more mature. Anna is so much more confident than she was a year ago, and Joshua is much more inclusive... and talkative... and hyperactive. But he's amazing, and so is she, and I love the transformation they've gone through. They've really developed their own little personalities. I miss them, and I miss nannying for them, but where I am now is just incredible.

I started at Canopy Oaks again on Monday. I'd planned on not working their this year after I got the Holy Cross job, but a few weeks ago after working at Camp Araminta (which was incredible!) I decided it was where I needed to be. So I called Ms. Thomas and we worked out a schedule for me. And I've missed it so much. I got there Monday, and I was just so excited to see my kids. They're all so adorable and cute. I get to move up with my kindergartners to first grade, and that's really exciting. They've gotten a little worse behaved, but for the most part, my kids are good. And the new kindergartners are pretty good too, and I like them for the most part as well. We're having fun! It's good to see them all, and to work with Tyler again. It's fun to have that BFF time every day for four hours straight. :)

Holy Cross is going well. I did a lot of planning this week. We're doing The Gospel According to Dr. Seuss, and I'm really excited about it. Holy Cross itself is doing this thing called Financial Peace University--it's really exciting and fun. So a lot more kids are coming Wednesday nights because their parents are coming. So I have a wide plethora of ages and children to work with, which is challenging, but so, so fun. This week we're doing Bartholomew and the Oobleck (for the story) and we're talking about how Bartholomew Cubbins was a good friend to the King, and how God is a good friend to us because he helps us. Then we're going to make oobleck (so exciting!) and play fun games and make fun snacks and we're going over the story of the Good Samaritan (and watching the Veggie Tales that goes with it) and that's fun. I'm excited about where God is taking us this semester, and I'm so privileged to be a part of it.

Eva and Ben! Ahh, my kids! I love those two lil ones more than I think I've ever loved anyone in my life. I get there on Wednesday mornings and try to just soak up every minute I have with them because when 2:30 rolls around, I'm so sad to go home. They make my week every week. No matter what's going on in life or what I'm going through, those kids remain the light of my world. I can always count on Eva Diva for a laugh or nine. I can always count on Bear for a nice open mouthed kiss and some spit up. No, if Bear smiles once during the entire morning, it makes my week. Eva's random giggle fits make me laugh, and oh, this week she started saying my name, and I swear, there's nothing better than that. Ever. I love those kids. They're like a vacation away from the real world.

I was working at Camp Araminta this month, and it just felt so right. I forgot how much I've missed summer camp. I haven't gotten to go in any capacity for years, and when it was younger it was all I did. Now, it just feels so estranged, but going back felt so peaceful and at home. I've missed making memories, the campers, the focus on Christ, all of it... I can't wait to go back next year! I saw one of my kids, Sadie, the first day at Canopy Oaks, and it was just so, so good. God is definitely showing me where I'm supposed to be, and really tuning my loves and desires to match up with what He wants from me.

I feel somewhat far away from God right now, but I think we're just going through a rough patch. I've been praying more lately, slowly... I remember reading something in ninth grade about getting a watch that beeps on the hour and praying every time it beeps. I've been trying to do that. I figure if I do that, maybe I'll get to the point where I'll WANT to pray, and that'll be good... I've had things come up these past few weeks that have forced some prayer--that's one thing about me... I'm a prayer warrior. If I don't feel comfortable praying, there's definitely something wrong. Three weeks ago we were doing a prayer circle at bible study, and I just couldn't MAKE myself pray... That's when I realized how estranged God and I had become... but then things have happened in the past two weeks to friends of mine, and I've wanted to pray for them. So, even though those circumstances suck wholly, they've forced me to reexamine my relationship with Jesus and work on it a little bit.

"Give me your eyes for just one second; give me your eyes so I can see everything that I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity; give me your arms for the broken hearted, wasn't it far beyond my reach? Give me your heart for the once forgotten; give me your eyes so I can see. I want a second glance, so give me a second chance, to see the people the way you see them."

yummy yummy yummy i've got apples in my tummy

I read this the other day, and I thought WOW, what a great way to combine three great loves into one awesome little post. Wall-E, Eva, and The Office. Without further adieu, a movie review of Wall-e and my lil pal Eva Diva, by Michael Scott:

You all need to see Wall-E. It's the greatest love story on the planet and the people in it aren't even really people. It's about this robot that looks a lot like Johnny-5 Alive in "Short Circuit," except this guy is smaller and makes trash cubes in his belly. His name is Wally. He falls in love with a girl robot named Eva. Wally gives Eva a plant and it looks like she's dead, but it turns out she's just resting. I've had this experience with girls myself, so I can vouch that women actually do this.

The movie starts off really slow, but mostly because Wally doesn't have anyone to talk to on Earth. Then Eva comes. She tries to kill him, but Wally's good at hiding behind things so he stays alive. Then a big ship comes and takes Eva away. Wally loves her so much that he hangs on to the ship and flies away to a bigger ship with her. I don't want to spoil anything that happens after this, but I was crying like a baby for most of the rest of the movie. Partly because it was kind of sad (but in a good way), but mostly because it was really dry in the theatre and I have very sensitive eyes.

When Wall-E comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy a copy for the office because everyone needs to see it. My only complaint is that they should have called the movie "Wally." I don't know why they tried to spell it differently. I guess they thought they were being creative.


My life is absolutely wonderful, in other news. I have the most amazing friends in the world, and even though at this time last week those relationships seemed to be drama-filled, today they are drama-free and that is wonderful. I truly feel like my friends have become a sort of family for me, and I'm just so excited to have found people I genuinely love and care about, regardless of flaws and failures, and people who genuinely love and care about me too. Of my three besties, I can pretty much guarantee that all three will still be there in twenty years, and probably longer, helping me get through whatever struggles the 40 year old me has. And that's really cool.

I love my job. All of them, really. I'm OF COURSE having a blast babysitting my kiddos. There aren't as many now, but I've been lucky to get my weekly meetings with four of the six that have the strongest hold on me. The other three come and go, but at least they're still there for me to see whenever I want to. I've been really lucky that way with the parents I've babysat for. Most parents are very okay with me coming and visiting their kids, and I'm so glad because sometimes being separated from them is just too hard. And I am LOVING holy cross. I just planned out the Fall Wednesday night schedule today and I am SO PUMPED. Dr. Seuss, you are awesome.

And other than that, there's not too much going on. I'm moving into my new apartment in less than a month, and I'm super excited about it. And I'm really excited about my classes next semester--Biology, Sci of Nutrition, Child Development, Ecological Contexts in Human Dev., and Psychology of Women. And I'm excited about getting my own pet fish. And that's about that. Right now I'm just taking each day as it comes. Soaking up the longer days with friends and kids and learning to love each one of them, regardless of the challenges.

24 things.

1. I am seriously obsessed with Eva and Ben. My days with them are so much happier. :)
2. Homemade pizza is the best thing ever. I remember watching The Deep End of the Ocean with Michelle Pfeiffer when I was younger, and the little boy in the movie ate his milk with pizza. Ever since I saw that movie, I've had milk with my pizza.
3. I played Battle of the Sexes yesterday at Jules' surprise party. We played in teams, boys v. girls, and you had to answer questions about the opposite sex. It kind of humors me that I knew more of the male questions than the female questions.
4. My best friend from high school and I have started hanging out more, and I'm really excited. I feel like we have so much that God is doing in our lives separately and together, and I'm just so excited to have the chance to reconnect with her.
5. I missed bible study on Wednesday because the whole day I thought it was Tuesday. Then, when I woke up on Thursday I was seriously upset.
6. I am sooooo excited Betsy's pregnant. I love pregnancy. I absolutely think a woman looks the most beautiful when she's pregnant.
7. It's incredible to me the way people validate being treated like crap.
8. Today we put on the song Toxic by Britney Spears (Kidz Bop version) and let the kindergartners dance to it. I want to know where these kids learn their moves. Wherever it is, they should NOT be there.
9. I kinda maybe miss school.
10. I'm scared to trust God with my love life because part of me wants to make those huge mistakes everyone talks about and be hurt a little bit. I know it's irrational, but it's true.
11. Lately, I've been giving up babysitting to hang out with people. Only certain families, but I guarantee you there are two or three families I would drop anything for.
12. I loved The Office's season finale.
13. I love being a sort of older role model/mentor to Kaitlyn and Lexi. Those girls make my world sunshine and puppies when I see them, and I only hope to be there for them when they need me.
14. I love Holy Cross.
15. I can't wait to take my Psychology of Women class next fall. I want to know what's up in the brain.
16. I have a chip in one of my teeth on my left side. Half of the front part of my tooth is gone. I'm not sure if people notice this or not, but I kinda like it.
17. I don't believe in divorcing because you fell out of love.
18. My best friend and I are the best. Seriously, pinwheels and eagle stalkings and blogging are the best things ever.
19. I love my future roomie, and I can't wait to move in!
20. Kitchens do not close.
21. I feel called to adopt children when I'm older. I hope I'm able to. But that isn't all I want to do. I want to be pregnant too. I think it's a beautiful thing, and I want to experience it.
22. I'm really protective of my friends. I hate when other people are hurting so much I will carry around the anger and pain from their hurt longer than they even remember what happened.
23. Grey's Anatomy last night was priceless. I want to be proposed to in the middle of a candlelit blueprint of our future house on a hill. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
24. Today Eva called me by my name, and I don't think I've wiped the smile off yet. That kid makes me so happy :)

Death, Kindergarteners, and Reasons

Well, I've started a new job at Canopy Oaks for the time being, doing after-school care for twenty-one kindergartners. I love my job. I love the kids; I love their smiles, their funny antecdotes, and it amazes me the way they see the world. These kids have no greater worries than who has their yellow ball, or who lost a tooth, or what's for snack that day. These things aren't secondary to them. These things are their worlds, and I am awed and inspired by the way kids are able to just live in the moment and not look to the future or the past, but to just BE. They have no qualms about living in the moment, and I love them for that.

However, Tuesday night something happened that shook their worlds and changed them forever. A third-grader at Canopy was out playing with his friends near the lake behind his house when he fell in and drowned. A third grader. Eight years old. Just drowned. And his younger brother is in kindergarten with some of my kids, and I can't help but wonder what is going on in their heads. How do you explain death to a child, especially the death of a child? I can hardly explain it to myself, let alone 21 six year olds. Six year olds who still haven't grasped the concept that life isn't fair. Six year olds that shouldn't have to deal with someone's big brother or big sister drowning. The whole place is devastated by this news...

And yet, I wonder. I know that our lives are more than just the fabrics of every day going-tos and coming-froms. I know it's not only about snacks, and shoes, and fabrics for bedroom quilts or even about the bible, or church on Sunday. Our lives are about so much more, and the more I live mine, the more I become assured that there is something up there, pulling us and pushing us along, and showing us so many great things. I don't believe in coincidences. I'm not going to say I believe everything happens for a reason because there are things I don't understand. But I do think that God uses everything that happens to us and every bit of fabric that makes us who we are, and I believe he uses it for the better.

I was having this conversation with my friend Julia the other day. We were talking about whether or not we end up in the same place regardless of what path we take, and whether or not we are the same person regardless of where we end up. The more I've thought about it, the more I've come to believe my answer. I think that everything we do, and every change we go to changes who we are and who we are becoming. To make a choice is to change your future and your being, and I think that's so important and at the same time, so scary. Your experiences and the people you meet along the way change who you are and dictate who you become. I do think there are absolutely some people who come into your life who God would have put in your life regardless of how you met them or the circumstances of your meeting. I would say that's true about some of my best friends, and I'm thankful for that. But I do think that your circumstances are unique, and what you experience is unique, and I think that changes who you are, and what you become, and what you do with who you become.

Lately, that's been more and more clear to me. That God has most definitely ordained a plan for my life, and that plan happens only in his time, under his watch, with his guidance. I can't count the number of times this past year when I have prayed for something and NOT actively looked for it, and God has dropped possibilities into my lap centerfold. I can't tell you the way all of the "coincidences" have lined up so perfectly to meet me where I'm at and to change how I function in the world, and how I view the world, and how I learn to love the world. My past semester has been an incredibly different one--I will admit that full-heartedly. I've had some hardships and some struggles, but mostly, it's been so good and so growing for me. God has expanded my mind and my heart and taught me so many new things about myself, and I can't help but marvel at how good he is.

One of the ways he is good is this Canopy Oaks job. When Eva's little brother was born in April, I needed a job quickly, and one fell into my lap through a good friend of mine. But I never would have expected to be working at this job for less than a week before this happened to my kids and those around me. I feel like there is a definite reason I've been placed at Canopy Oaks right now, and I can't tell if it's for me, or the kids, or my coworkers, but I know there's a reason. And I think that's the one thing I've learned the absolute most. God provides, and He puts you places for a reason, and I think once you start looking at life with that attitude... once you start looking at your circumstances and asking God what the REASON is behind what's going on, you start opening up to the goodness of God, and the character of God, and you start living your life the way He designed you to. And once you know the character of God, there's no reason to need anything else.

"And all of you is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in you is more than enough."

Good heavens, it's Good Friday!

I have been a bad diet Catholic this year and haven't "celebrated" (for lack of a better term) Lent or Holy Week enough. I've been so preoccupied with life and my own dealings that I've seemed to forgotten that the really important things in life are not Frogger tournaments or text messaging but that there is only one truly important thing in life and that's Jesus. Its strange to think that today is the day that Christians remember Christ's huge sacrifice on the cross. We remember his blood shed, the nails through his hands, his agony. We try to understand this deep pain that our God must have suffered, and yet, we cannot. We cannot even begin to FATHOM how much pain our Lord went through. And I think perhaps that's why we cannot seem to walk away from Frogger tournaments and text messaging, from bowls of ice cream and laughing with friends, from school books and cell phones. We don't realize the depth of the sacrifice Christ gave for us. We don't realize the pain He went through, and we certainly don't realize the reason WHY.

Good Friday tends to be a more gloomy day, and many joke that it should instead be called "Bad Friday." But really, it is one of the most important days we 'celebrate'. Good Friday is soooooo good. It cleanses. Good Friday was the day that our souls were paid for, and Good Friday is the reason we're able to stand in the face of God, trembling, heads down, hands to cover our face, singing Holy, Holy, Holy. That's what Good Friday does. It pays for our sins.

But Good Friday isn't good except for Easter. What power does death on a cross have? Hundreds of other people were crucified as Jesus was. What is the difference? Why do we celebrate one man's crucifixion? The simply answer: The ressurection. The power of the cross wasn't complete until the revelation of the ressurection. The ressurection points us to our God--it shows us that our God not only cares enough about us to make himself incarnate in his Son and die a terrible death for us, but that he'll show us that the death was not in vain by ressurecting the very body we threw to the woods and nails.

I think Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday are great examples of our everyday lives as Christians. We are forced to live our own crucifixions sometimes. Sometimes, life hurts and we have to learn to get through it. And often times, it's God's will that life hurts. Or, it's God's will that something be done, and that makes us hurt. But the truth is that there is always an Easter Sunday waiting around the corner. Just because we can't understand the magnitude of our Good Friday.... Just because it feels like it's JUST crucifixion with no happy skies attached doesn't mean that's true. It means that we have to suck it up, wade through Holy Saturday with much praying and struggling, and be ecstatic when our Easter Sunday rolls around, and the clouds open up, and the Lord descends, and we're able to look back on our Good Friday and say, "that's what that was for."

And I hope we're all able to do that. Everyone wishes for a life of happiness. I don't. I wish for myself, and for all of my friends, a life full of Good Fridays, Holy Saturdays, and magnificent Easter Sundays. Because what are Easter Sundays without Good Fridays, and what are Good Fridays without Easter Sundays? And Holy Saturdays? Well, they just make you stronger.

some Rilke,James, and other random incessant ramblings

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone enough to truly consecrate the hour. I am much too small in this world, yet not small enoughto be to you just object and thing, dark and smart. I want my free will and want it accompanying the path which leads to action; and want during times that beg questions, where something is up, to be among those in the know, or else be alone. I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection, never be blind or too old to uphold your weighty wavering reflection. I want to unfold. Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent; for there I would be dishonest, untrue. I want my conscience to be true before you;want to describe myself like a picture I observed for a long time, one close up, like a new word I learned and embraced, like the everday jug, like my mother's face, like a ship that carried me along through the deadliest storm. -Rainer Maria Rilke

It's midterms week, and for some reason, whenever midterms come along, life seems to pick up and sprint toward the end of it, and I think it's funny. As a college student in my second semester, I truly understand the importance of midterms. Cramming more information into your skull than you possibly ever wanted is somehow appealing at this time, right in the middle of the semester, and it's all I can do but not laugh and smile and scream because I want to do all of these things at the same time, and I know that's somewhat impossible.

I have a problem with procrastination. I don't mind it, all that much, but really, the problem is simply that I cannot do work unless I want to do work. I am a perfectionist, which means that when I do work that is not 100% good and that my heart is not into, I get frustrated easily and must start over. I'm also the type that--if I can get started on a subject--will spend all day on one assignment and not be at all upset about it because I love to learn and find my place amongst the academics of the world. And that's fine, and I like that. And my procrastination has been strong the past few weeks, and I had told myself, "Okay, Karis, this weekend, we're buckling down," and I was excited about it. Until I woke up Friday morning at 2 AM puking an entire-bucket full of liquids out of my system, and continued to do so until late in the day Sunday.

I'm feeling better now. Back to my original self and 100% healthy and happy, but I've stopped procrastinating, and I'm enjoying that. I'm enjoying learning, and having that desire to learn. I needed a break, I think, but now I'm here, and I enjoy wanting to sit down, open a book, and figure out the world. It's a good thing to have. Especially during midterm week, where God has blessed me so by changing test dates, providing answers, and giving time that I shouldn't have. And I've worried and fretted over this time, and God has been saying to me, "will worrying add a single minute to your life? What do you gain by worrying?" and I haven't been able to answer. And so I've been trying to trust God, and yet, I complain and I vent about things that will not matter in three days, or two weeks, or a year from now. And I forget how blessed I am to even have these things to complain about.

I'm not one that likes to rub my good deeds in the faces of others, so hopefully nobody who reads this will see it and think I am, but this is something that happened to me and really affected me, and so I must share. One of my bible studies has been reading Luke this semester, and we've been really convicted about worrying, and about noticing what other people are worrying about and taking care of those needs for them. We've been convincted of not helping Jesus. Jesus says that we don't feed him or clothe him because we do not feed or clothe each other, and this is something that is hard to hear, as Christians and privileged people, but we've tried to make an effort to be more Christ-serving. And so we made these little plastic bags and filled them with perishable, healthy food items (such as Vienna sausages, fruit cups, etc. etc.--a balanced meal) and are keeping them in our cars so we can give them to the homeless we see on the street corners.

I'll be honest. I don't normally see the homeless on the street corners. I'm not used to looking for people in need. I'm not used to looking past who I am and how I've been blessed to see those who need help, and this operation has forced me to do so. And here's what's happened.

The first day I had the bags, I noticed, for the first time, a man standing on the corner. I passed by him--I was in the wrong lane, late for class--but I felt horrible, and had the nagging feeling that I should have gone back. I finally did turn around, the whole time my mind reeling that he wouldn't even be there still, but when I pulled up, he looked so grateful. He introduced himself as James; I introduced myself, and we parted ways after a brief interaction. But I couldn't shake James from my head. This was last week.

This week, I was driving down Tennessee St., the same time as last week when I saw James, and I asked God to show me someone I could help. I wanted to serve someone for Him, and I thought the best way to guarantee I could was to ask God to give me the opportunity. And there was James, standing on the street corner. And it excited me. This is a man I'd been praying for and thinking about all week, wondering how he was, hoping he knew someone cared for him. This time I pulled over quickly, got out of my car, brought him food, and we talked. He recognized me, and I him, and it was good to see him. In that strange way. He told me how he hates begging for food, and I said I was glad to help him not have to. He was really just extremely grateful, and when we left, he said "God bless you," I said "God bless you," and he said "He already has."

It stopped me dead in my tracks. Here is a man who literally has nothing but a sweatshirt, jeans, and a sign that says "Hungry," and he's telling me how blessed he is. I got in my car and wept. How dare I complain about having to study for my college education? How dare I worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to eat tonight, or if I'll have to wait until morning? How dare I worry about these things! Here is a man, standing on the side of the street, holding a sign, unsure of where his next meal is coming from, and all he can say is "he already has." And all I can say is, "damn it, now I have to..." I am so blessed. So very blessed, and the thing that's so sad s that I don't realize how blessed I am. I forget. I don't pay attention to the blessings. I need to be more like James.

Because here's the thing. I'm privileged. I may not have as much money as I want to have, but I have more than I need. I have a million things sitting on my desk that I do not need. And the thing is, well, I look down on homeless people. I don't mean to. I don't do it conciously. But somewhere in my mind, I think, "oh God, I should help that poor man." I look at it as my duty to help him because he's homeless, and not because he's James. Not because he's a child of God, and a child who God LOVES. I look at him, and I wonder how in the world he could ever call himself blessed when he only has half of what I have. But he is blessed. We are all blessed. And while James may not be blessed monetarily like I am, he is blessed with amazing gifts. Gifts that allow him to see the Father's hand even in a slice of bread. And that makes me sad. That I don't see that.

So, I'm praying for James and I this week. Not only that he'd be blessed again, and that all of his physical needs be met, but that I would continue to be blessed by him. That he would continue to teach me that life is more than just what's coming up, and that being blessed is about more than the things we have. Life is about living right now, and being blessed is about seeing how God's hand provides for us in every little thing that we do.

I met God's Will on a halloween night, he was dressed as a bag of leaves...

Lately, the idea of God's plan has come up a lot... I'm a history fanatic, so the idea of things correlating and working together, and the notion that we can see how events impact other events and how these events impact our lives just fascinates me. I love to look at single instances and see how they've changed the world. I heard a quote in my freshman World History class that was, "A butterfly flaps it's wings in China, and there's an earthquake in California." I love the quote because it reminds me that everything is not only correlated, but connected. You can't take out one peice of history and have history be the same. The outcomes are so different. And that's what makes it fun. You can play hypothetical what-ifs until you're blue in the face, but what happened, happened. And it impacts. And that's that.

I like to observe this kind of thing with my own life. See how all of the little peices tie together. I've had the advantage of having a rough--yet not too rough--life. I've had a lot of heartbreak and a lot of hurt, and there's been a lot that God has pulled me out of. I can say without a doubt that I would be a very, very different person if God had left me to my own devices. Sometimes, it's hard for me to look at my life where I am now and say, "Yeah, God's gonna bring me through this, and I'm going to be better on the other side." Most of the time, though, my mustard-seed faith allows me the joy of being able to trust God. I often find myself saying, "Okay, Karis, you haven't been trusting God with this. How 'bout we start doing that now." And when I do, I find that God has majorly been working in my life, and the parts of my life where I sit and wonder how he's going to break me out of, are the parts of my life he's brought me to in order to show me something even better on the other side.

You see, I do believe God has a plan for each and every one of our lives. I'm not ever going to say I don't believe that... but I don't believe it's a boxed in plan. I don't believe God says, "Okay, on Tuesday Karis will be doing this at 8:32, and then she'll do that, and she'll finish off the day with a grilled cheese sandwich." God's got better things to do than pick what I'm going to have for dinner... Besides, isn't the entire message of the New Testament shown in Jesus? Jesus, the son of God, who above all LOVED people. Whatever you read in the New Testament, the general theme is "Jesus loves you, so he's dying for you. Repent of your ways and accept his love, and love him back." It's all about love. Love. Love. Love. Not forced, not demanding, unconditional, unexplainable love. We don't have to love Jesus. We don't have to choose to follow Him. And we don't have to choose to follow God's will. We have free choice, that miraculous thing that God gives us that makes it even more of a blessing when we choose to do right, and when we choose to follow his will.

Max Lucado once wrote something interesting about God's plan. I'll paraphrase it. He tells the story of a man who went up to heaven and met God. He and God were looking at God's calendar for his life one day, and the man noticed various treasure chests along the days, some opened, some unopened. He asked God about the treasure chests, and God explained that when he followed God's plan, on days when the chest was open, God gave him special gifts and treasures. However, when he followed his own plans (the day the chest was closed), he missed out on the special treasures and gifts God planned for him. Eventually, some of us get so far away from God's plan that we miss all of God's treasures completely, and we end up thinking our own plan, our own treasures, are the greatest of all, and they aren't.

People sometimes reach the end of their lives and say, "Wow, God's plan was totally different than mine." I think it's a scary thing to hear, when you're 18, laying on your bed with your dreams wide open in front of you, desiring things like a great job, a family, a loving husband. And we hear that, and we think well, my desires aren't that bad, God... So if your plan is so different from mine, I'm not sure I want that part of your plan. But we forget for a moment who our God is. We forget for a moment what he stands for. And we forget that those people sitting at the end of their lives may not have been right. They may have been following their own plan, thinking it was God's. They may have been following God's plan and just haven't stopped to see how perfect it was. They may have never taken the opportunity to truly enjoy God, and to truly understand why He is sovereign and why He is good. And that's a pity.

But, back to the original thought. All of our worries and anxieties about the future come out of a serious misconception and a lack of remembrance about who our God is. This God we have decided to serve. We wonder if we'll get what we want and what we feel we need, but we forget that God has it all under control. In Matthew 6, God says, "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all of your worries add a single moment to your life?" I love this verse because it paints such a picture of who our God is. The birds do nothing to get food, other than rely on someone to throw bread crumbs. They are always having to count on God to provide, and yet we can't go day to day without worrying or wondering where our next meal is coming from, or how we'll pay our car insurance bill. And we are the more valuable ones! If God takes care of the birds, wouldn't he so much more take care of us? Why do we worry about these things?

We get caught up in wondering if we'll ever get the life we dreamed of. We wonder if we'll get the picket fence and the terrace, the two children (a boy and a girl), the husband who loves us. We wonder all of these things, and we long for them so deeply, and yet, we forget to trust God. To trust that in His time, we'll get more than we asked or imagine. And we doubt him. And, why? Because we're scared. We've forgotten who our God is. We've forgotten that our God is a God of love and compassion. We've forgotten that those very desires that are in our hearts were put in there by God himself. We've forgotten that God "knows our hearts", as David says in Psalm 139. We've forgotten that he promises to give us the "desires of our hearts", (Psalm 37:4) and we forget that he has promised us a plan of good. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days, when you pray, I will listen. I will be found by you, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-13) Our God has plans for our lives. Good plans. Plans that fulfill the desires he's put in our hearts. We're so quick to let go of that knowledge.

We always hear people talking about how "bad things happen to good people." Well, you know what? Good things happen to bad people. There are no "good people" in this world. We have all sinned. Every single one of us has committed a sin that years ago would have caused us to be damned to hell. How can anyone damned to hell possibly be a "good person"? The truth is that none of us are. We are all broken, wretched souls who rely on the grace of God to make us better than damned. And the truth is, we have an amazing God. A God who can take the worst parts of our lives, bring us through fire, and make us whole again. Make us better than we were before. One of my favorite quotes is, "Suffering is like speaking many languages. It gives you an opportunity to connect with multitudes of people." Through suffering, we're brought to the face of God and forced to fall prostrate in front of Him. When He redeems us, fixes us, puts us back together, we are sent to go speak of his grace and love to other broken souls so that they, too, can fall prostrate at God's feet. Because at the end of the day, it's not about us. It's about Him. It's about furthering His kingdom. And that includes suffering. That includes our desires. Our wishes. Our worries. All of this is used to further God's kingdom. And when it's put like that, why do we care about what happens tomorrow? Why do we worry about the future that is years down the road, the future that may or may not ever come for us? When everything we need is in God's Kingdom, and everything here on earth is about God's Kingdom, why would we ever worry that we won't be adequately equipped to run this race?

Because you see, God's plan is great. God's plan is there for us to follow. God's plan is a means for us to fall deeper and deeper in love with Him. It's not a means to cast a wall between us and He. It's not meant to be a hindrance. It's meant to be utterly and completely freeing. God places our desires in our hearts. He knows them better than anyone else. He knows about the desires we have yet to find in ourselves, which is why we must humble ourselves, praying to God, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Isn't that all we really want, anyway? To be complete? To have someone search our souls, know our hearts. To know our anxious thoughts, and to point us on the right track. Don't we just want someone to know us? "Trust in God; lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways know Him, and He will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) This is all we want. Someone we can lean on. Someone we know. Someone that will make straight our paths.

I look at my life, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God who loves me and who wants what's best for me, and who has saved me and delivered me from so many ridiculously awful instances, and yet, I still doubt Him and His plan for my life, and I still am angry with Him for not giving me what I want... Even though I know that had He given me anything I wanted earlier, I would be a completely different, completely miserable person. -From my testimony, written out years ago but utterly fitting

10 Things

In no particular order, and only this way so I don't have to elaborate on everything that's happened since I last updated...

1. God is teaching me so much, but my heart is being broken so much in the process.
2. I love that I am going out more this semester than I ever have in my life. It's almost turning me into an extravert.
3. My family is so messed up sometimes.
4. I want to do Christian education... Like, ministry at a church. With kids.
5. I miss my best friend in so many ways. Seriously!
6. I'm so ready for the strike to be over.
7. Tests suck.
8. I wish I had a good book to read... I miss reading.
9. I want my life to slow down, and yet, at the same time, I want it to speed up.
10. I feel so ready to be in a relationship. If only, if only.

I loooooove You.

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I have doubts about the whole Jesus thing. They're short-lived and not very serious, but I have doubts just like every other person on this planet. But the amazing thing is, no matter where I am in my life or what God is doing (or how much I feel like he is missing), he always reminds me. Usually, in the same splendid way. I've always had this faith that coincidences aren't coincidences. Call it "everything happens for a reason" if you wish, but I truly believe God gave me this unshakeable faith in his perfect plan for a reason. It really does pull me out of the darkness and into light when I get into that mindset.

It's crazy for me to think about how perfect everything in life just meshes together. I just love the way God works. He pushes you into relationships at just the right time. It just leaves me in awe sometimes. The friends He's blessed me with are just so phenomenally beyond anyone I could have ever picked out. Just, incredible.

I really feel like I'm on the brink of something. I'm not sure what it is, but it's just how I feel. All of this busyness in my life is going to pay off hugely this semester, and all of these friends I've made and am making are going to benefit me greatly. I'm just really looking forward to continuing on in my relationships and learning about people and how they live and act and everything. And learning about Jesus. It's amazing how much I'm learning about Him right now.

Like, right now, I'm learning to rely on Him. My best friend is over in Spain for a month, and it might not seem very long to most people, but when the person you call for EVERYTHING is over across big huge seas getting lost in streets and scared out of her mind sometimes, you start to get a little antsy. It's strange, rethinking my decisions. All of the times where I'm normally walking to my car and I used to call her, I don't anymore. When I watch a TV show or run into a cute boy or just think of something random... I can't call her. And I know she's having a great time in Spain, and she's learning so much, and I'm just so thrilled for her to be able to do this, but I miss her greatly. And I know God is teaching both of us to rely on Him more... and to rely on more of the people He's given me.

I heard a really comforting thought on the radio today. "Don't worry; these are not the best years of your life." It really struck me because I have always been seriously scared that these ARE the best years of my life, and I'm just wasting them. But I don't feel like I'm wasting them, and if I am, I wouldn't even know how to begin to not waste them. I love where I am right now. I get my introverted time; i get my time with friends... I get to study, love, play outside in the grass.... watch babies. I just get to do so many amazing things. And to think it could all be better. Well! I'm happy to hear it. :)

I just plain love my friends. They're so weird and funny and amazing. Ahh, life is good.

Pregnancy blues, 2008, Chick-fil-A

50 Things (for no reason, and in no particular order)

1. Chick-fil-A astonishes and captivates me.
2. I could write so many memoirs about my life, and I really would love to.
3. I really don't get the big deal about musicals. Hand me Grease and Assassins, and then just go away.
4. I want to be a fictional character just so I can meet Jim Halpert.
5. I watch Cash Cab, and I think it's the coolest thing ever. Like, I want to live in New York City just to take a ride in the cash cab.
6. I find it adorable that my 15 month friend Eva loves Take Home Chef.
7. The way God decides who has how many children seems really unfair to me. Why can a woman who purposely got her tubes tied have a third child, when someone who desperately wants her second can't seem to get pregnant?
8. I don't want Sprinkles, I want Garbage!
9. My best friend is going to Spain for three weeks, and I have no idea what I'll do without our nightly phone calls.
10. I really miss How I Met Your Mother and The Office, but somehow, I'm managing to live without Grey's.
11. The Writer's Strike has helped me figure out the many ways I waste my time. And that I'm okay with wasting it.
12. The worst part of college is winter break. It's strange when all of your friends leave...
13. Pregnant women are adorable.
14. In a month or so, I will be an aunt. Wow, I'm growing up.
15. If I lived in LA, I'd get paid double what I make now, but I'd work for a few hippies.
16. I love PostSecret. The more I read it, the more I realize my secrets aren't as big and scary as I thought they were.
17. The worst feeling in the world is watching a kid you love get hurt. It seriously sucks.
18. Why is it that five good shows come on at one time, and then for five hours after that, there's nothing at all on?
19. I wish I had the motivation to spend time with God.
20. Even though I haven't done anything to make me feel this close with Him, I feel closer to God than I ever have before. I blame it on my kids.
21. My heart aches when I leave a child, no matter how horrible or rotten they were. I dread the day when they get too big for me to play with them.
22. I miss Kaitlyn and Lexi like they're my own children. Not seeing them for two weeks is horrifying.
23. I still have no idea what classes I'm taking next semester, and surprisingly, I'm okay with that.
24. I still cry when I get in a fight with my mom.
25. Words can't say how liberating it still feels to be able to wear jeans and a hoodie every day, even after quitting at the law firm nearly 6 months ago.
26. I'm rushing in two weeks, and I never thought I'd say that. Ever.
27. Sometimes, I'm upset I don't have as many friends as others. But, I feel bad for people with a lot of friends because I know that the intimacy I have with my real friends is far more exceptional than anything they have with their circles.
28. I really loved Walk Hard. I still can't get over it.
29. I read Nanny Diaries last week, and I still can't get over the fact that I could have written that book.
30. When do children go from being cute and innocent to being as screwed up as their parents are?
31. It's funny, whenever teenagers have sex, everyone says they lost their innocence. I haven't had sex, and I still don't think I have my innocence. Why must we equate the two?
32. I wish parents would just let their kids call their 'private parts' their vaginas and penises. I'm so sick of having to remember who has a tee-tee, who has a pee-pee, who has a va-ja-jay, and who just has a 'private part.'
33. The more I play with kids, the more I realize that it's seldom too early to talk to your kids about sex. Basically, if you're thinking about talking to them, it's time.
34. Christmas passed, and I still don't feel like it really ever came.
35. St. Peter's Gorge for a George is pretty much the highlight of my week.
36. Why is New Years such a big deal? Why don't we get the 1st of every month off? I'd love to be able to be off on my birthday.
37. They say people die in threes. For the past three years, that's been true. I can't help but wonder who the three will be this year.
38. My family is so wacky, I can't even describe them to anyone, but I wouldn't change them for the world.
39. I hate telling people I'm a babysitter/nanny/caregiver for a living because the first question out of everyone's mouth is always, "and you like that???" Yes, I do. Why don't you go take a kid to the park instead of calling your lawyer on your bluetooth headset.
40. I actually had a family ask me to babysit on Christmas this year. Is anything sacred anymore?
41. I refuse to have resolutions for the New Year. What's the point?
42. I honestly feel like this year has been the best year of my life, even if it has had some significant low points.
43. We got a waffle/sandwich maker for Christmas. It sounds unnecessary, but I feel like a Queen every time I love it. The grilled cheese sandwiches are just SUPERB.
44. I wish I could cook.
45. My favorite age is 1-2 years. Everything is new. Today, Eva said "maaaaa" and took a few steps. The joy you feel, it's just incredible.
46. I love to read. Right now, I'm reading The Glass Castle by Jeanette Wells. LOVE it. But so sad.
47. Everybody has his/her demons. Few people care enough to look past the facades we put on to unravel those demons and tame them.
48. Green is my favorite color. There's no way around that. It's just amazing.
49. I still love the movies I loved as a child. It Takes Two is phenomenal.
50. I was watching Family Feud today, and it was the ex-wives vs. the ex-husbands. And the host was asking the husband if he really wanted to be divorced, and it broke my heart when he said, "I've never been happier."