Death, Kindergarteners, and Reasons

Well, I've started a new job at Canopy Oaks for the time being, doing after-school care for twenty-one kindergartners. I love my job. I love the kids; I love their smiles, their funny antecdotes, and it amazes me the way they see the world. These kids have no greater worries than who has their yellow ball, or who lost a tooth, or what's for snack that day. These things aren't secondary to them. These things are their worlds, and I am awed and inspired by the way kids are able to just live in the moment and not look to the future or the past, but to just BE. They have no qualms about living in the moment, and I love them for that.

However, Tuesday night something happened that shook their worlds and changed them forever. A third-grader at Canopy was out playing with his friends near the lake behind his house when he fell in and drowned. A third grader. Eight years old. Just drowned. And his younger brother is in kindergarten with some of my kids, and I can't help but wonder what is going on in their heads. How do you explain death to a child, especially the death of a child? I can hardly explain it to myself, let alone 21 six year olds. Six year olds who still haven't grasped the concept that life isn't fair. Six year olds that shouldn't have to deal with someone's big brother or big sister drowning. The whole place is devastated by this news...

And yet, I wonder. I know that our lives are more than just the fabrics of every day going-tos and coming-froms. I know it's not only about snacks, and shoes, and fabrics for bedroom quilts or even about the bible, or church on Sunday. Our lives are about so much more, and the more I live mine, the more I become assured that there is something up there, pulling us and pushing us along, and showing us so many great things. I don't believe in coincidences. I'm not going to say I believe everything happens for a reason because there are things I don't understand. But I do think that God uses everything that happens to us and every bit of fabric that makes us who we are, and I believe he uses it for the better.

I was having this conversation with my friend Julia the other day. We were talking about whether or not we end up in the same place regardless of what path we take, and whether or not we are the same person regardless of where we end up. The more I've thought about it, the more I've come to believe my answer. I think that everything we do, and every change we go to changes who we are and who we are becoming. To make a choice is to change your future and your being, and I think that's so important and at the same time, so scary. Your experiences and the people you meet along the way change who you are and dictate who you become. I do think there are absolutely some people who come into your life who God would have put in your life regardless of how you met them or the circumstances of your meeting. I would say that's true about some of my best friends, and I'm thankful for that. But I do think that your circumstances are unique, and what you experience is unique, and I think that changes who you are, and what you become, and what you do with who you become.

Lately, that's been more and more clear to me. That God has most definitely ordained a plan for my life, and that plan happens only in his time, under his watch, with his guidance. I can't count the number of times this past year when I have prayed for something and NOT actively looked for it, and God has dropped possibilities into my lap centerfold. I can't tell you the way all of the "coincidences" have lined up so perfectly to meet me where I'm at and to change how I function in the world, and how I view the world, and how I learn to love the world. My past semester has been an incredibly different one--I will admit that full-heartedly. I've had some hardships and some struggles, but mostly, it's been so good and so growing for me. God has expanded my mind and my heart and taught me so many new things about myself, and I can't help but marvel at how good he is.

One of the ways he is good is this Canopy Oaks job. When Eva's little brother was born in April, I needed a job quickly, and one fell into my lap through a good friend of mine. But I never would have expected to be working at this job for less than a week before this happened to my kids and those around me. I feel like there is a definite reason I've been placed at Canopy Oaks right now, and I can't tell if it's for me, or the kids, or my coworkers, but I know there's a reason. And I think that's the one thing I've learned the absolute most. God provides, and He puts you places for a reason, and I think once you start looking at life with that attitude... once you start looking at your circumstances and asking God what the REASON is behind what's going on, you start opening up to the goodness of God, and the character of God, and you start living your life the way He designed you to. And once you know the character of God, there's no reason to need anything else.

"And all of you is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in you is more than enough."